My Family Was On A TLC Reality Show. Here's The Dark Secret That Never Aired.

In 2007, erstwhile I was 14, I appeared connected Kids by the Dozen, a world amusement that aired connected The Learning Channel and featured my household and different ample families similar mine. Our portion of the bid was changeable implicit 9 days that year, conscionable agelong ― and abbreviated ― capable for america to support up appearances arsenic 1 large blessed family. My father, Chris Jeub, controlled some my acquisition and my occupation. A Gen X middle-class man, helium archetypal carved a spot successful my tiny satellite by controlling the uterus of my mother, Wendy, who gave commencement to maine and my 15 siblings.

I americium the 3rd kid calved successful our household ― my parent had my 2 older sisters arsenic a teenager, and my dada adopted them erstwhile my parents married. My 2 older sisters had already endured the consequences of questioning my family’s beliefs. Alicia, who is 9 years older than me, committed the unforgivable misdeed of wanting to day boys. Alissa, who is six years my senior, converted to Islam erstwhile she was successful her 20s, making her dormant to our family. She would aboriginal reconcile with my parents aft capitulating to my parents’ demands and undergoing “Christian counseling.”

Kids by the Dozen led to a staged “reconciliation” betwixt my parents and Alicia. In the eyes of our tight-knit Christian community, a rebellious kid is simply a large shame and nonaccomplishment connected the portion of the parent. To code and compensate for the show’s strict depiction of their parenting, my parents self-published a publication called Love successful the House: Filling Your Home With the Greatest Commandment. In it, they highlighted Matthew 22:36-40, successful which Jesus says that the “greatest commandment” is to emotion God and others. For america kids, this meant we had to springiness unconditional emotion to our parents without questioning their beliefs oregon authority. For our parents, it meant that God wanted them to person much children. I know, that’s not what emotion is astatine all, but, sadly, I didn’t cognize that for the archetypal 23 years of my life.

The cult-like beliefs that shaped my upbringing beryllium to what is known arsenic the “Quiverfull” Movement. It is based connected Psalm 127, which reads, “Children are a practice of the Lord, and effect of the womb is his reward; blessed is the antheral who has his quiver afloat of them.” The metaphor of a quiver afloat of arrows defines children arsenic weapons to beryllium utilized to triumph the satellite for Christian blimpish values. 

My parents believed that God created the beingness successful six days astir 6,000 years ago, and they refused to person my parent springiness commencement successful a infirmary oregon to vaccinate maine oregon my siblings. I was home-schooled from pre-kindergarten done precocious school, and my program touched concisely connected subject arsenic a taxable that simply magnifies the handiwork of God, portion for past I was taught that divine providence had bestowed America to Christ’s faithful.

I wore a purity ring, which I received from my parents erstwhile I was 16 years aged and signified I had promised to stay a virgin until matrimony truthful my dada could manus a “pure” girl implicit to my aboriginal husband.

Democrats, I was told, conscionable wanted to termination guiltless babies waiting to beryllium calved successful their mothers’ wombs. Once born, children were welcomed arsenic blessings but brought up, supra all, to beryllium utile and to grant each whim of their parents. Our location was often filled with chaos ― children scattered everywhere; piles of laundry and toys and dishes heavy capable to wade through; 1 kid oregon different practicing soft oregon riding done the location connected a Big Wheel; my parent yelling and sometimes wielding a dense cutting committee oregon pizza paddle to dole retired spankings. I was enactment to enactment aboriginal and rapidly learned to bash everything from bathing 5 children astatine a clip to waking up successful the nighttime to thin to fussy toddlers portion I prayed for the spot to grip my Sisyphean workload. My parents convinced maine that my enactment was a work to God, truthful it was intolerable to presumption it for what it was: exploitation.

My dada loved to usage the connection “assets” to picture my siblings and me. At home, it meant breaks from enactment were a reward for bully behavior. But erstwhile helium discontinue his occupation arsenic a web decorator for Focus connected the Family, the right-wing spiritual enactment helium worked for, and made his idiosyncratic ministry into our main root of income, we each became employees ― though we were not ever paid, overmuch little paid fairly. I handled editing the code and statement program we published, provided lawsuit service, oversaw antithetic accounts related to the ministry, and helped negociate our camps and conferences ― each for minimum wage ― starting astatine property 13. He often straight transferred wealth from my siblings’ and my slope accounts without notice, or, erstwhile my slope relationship looked a spot excessively full, helium would speech maine into spending my net connected an upgraded telephone oregon laptop for the ministry.

It’s been 12 years since I was connected TV, in my denim formal and exhausted eyes, happily describing for the cameras however I planned to unrecorded the remainder of my beingness similar this: diapers, baths, dishes, laundry, supervising children. But it’s lone been 4 years since I started to spot that thing was incorrect with us. What happened?

After being home-schooled each my life, I started attending section assemblage classes astatine property 19. At first, I believed that my assemblage was thing of a “mission field,” oregon spot to preach astir my beliefs. In those archetypal years, I developed a pursuing of Christian young radical who admired maine for my dedication and passionateness for my faith. But I besides made friends with radical who had ne'er existed successful my satellite before: atheists and radical who are LGBTQIA+.

It wasn’t until I started assemblage that I began to beryllium honorable with myself, and caller friends from worlds acold beyond the borders of mine, astir however performative my beingness was. I was depressed, and had been for a agelong time, but had learned to stifle my feelings for the involvement of my family. I was having conversations astir astronomy and the validity of the Bible and however religion had wounded truthful galore people. However, I inactive lived with my parents, and the questions I brought location with maine each nighttime were creating a powerfulness conflict with my parents implicit however the younger children mightiness beryllium influenced by what I was learning.

Then 1 time successful 2013, my parents kicked maine and my small sister, Lydia, retired of their house. I was 22 and she was 19 ― plentifulness aged capable to permission the nest, but we had nary cars, nary savings and obscurity to go. Like our older sisters, we were ne'er told precisely wherefore we were kicked out. Dad went connected and connected astir however costly we were, and however we’d person thing without him. I had loved Jesus with each of my heart, dedicated my beingness to serving him ― and my parents ― and did immoderate I could to enactment axenic of bosom for them and my aboriginal husband. I knew my protests would beryllium futile arsenic my dada logged into his bank, which was linked straight to our idiosyncratic slope accounts, and transferred hundreds of dollars into his ain relationship for imaginary debts helium claimed we owed him. Then helium said helium would commencement charging america for rent, effectual instantly ― $500 each for the tiny chamber we shared successful a location afloat of 16 people.

We left. I don’t deliberation my begetter expected america to find determination to go, but immoderate benignant friends took america in. That time was a breakthrough due to the fact that it triggered memories of what I’d been forced to minimize and spot arsenic isolated incidents implicit the years. I dropped retired of assemblage a fewer months aboriginal ― my mediocre home-schooling had made world occurrence virtually impossible, and I couldn’t spend it. I sank into a horrible slump and began seeing a nonrecreational therapist, who was alarmed astatine my mediocre consciousness of boundaries and each of the traumatic memories that poured retired of me.

Getting kicked retired gave maine the state to question. Maybe being cheery wasn’t a sin. Maybe commencement power and termination weren’t the aforesaid thing. Maybe I didn’t person to springiness commencement implicit and implicit and implicit again successful bid to beryllium worthy. Maybe determination wasn’t an invisible being that knew my each thought that would pain my psyche if I didn’t bash each the “right” things.

Realizing that my parents and the religion I had been raised successful couldn’t beryllium questioned without terrible consequences was similar waking up from a dream. I wanted ― needed ― to get my siblings out. But legally, siblings person nary existent recourse to support each other, adjacent if a sibling ― and not the parents ― is really the 1 who is doing the bulk of the caretaking.

I inactive visited the household often, hopeless to get done to my siblings. I stood up for them and called my parents retired connected being unfair, for the archetypal clip successful my life. For astir of my childhood, I didn’t advocator for my siblings, due to the fact that I had thing to comparison our acquisition to, nary mode of knowing it was not mean oregon fair.

The hostility escalated arsenic I continued asking questions, and began reminding my siblings of the times we were each taught to forgive and hide astir ― however we ever had intolerable expectations and responsibilities. But I wasn’t surviving determination anymore, and my parent could ever travel on and tidy up the thought process of a doubting child. She’d done the aforesaid for maine for the archetypal 19 years of my life.

Soon, my parents banned maine from talking to immoderate sibling without their supervision. Then I received the dreaded telephone telephone from my dad: an ultimatum that I could either taxable to Christian counseling with them ― and endure much controlling, emotionally devastating attempts to bring maine into submission ― oregon I would suffer implicit entree to my family.

I had to fto spell of my brothers and sisters, which is by acold the astir hard determination I person ever made successful my life. As soon arsenic I got the telephone telephone astir losing entree to my siblings, I began penning connected my blog astir my parents’ abuse. The champion grounds I person to backmost up the maltreatment claims I elaborate successful those blog posts came from my dad’s effort to prevention face. The time aft the archetypal post, helium released a podcast successful which helium blamed my delusions connected intelligence unwellness and near the microphone unfastened for my siblings to respond to what I had written. My dada deleted the podcast wrong hours. I reported my parents to section authorities for kid abuse, arsenic did my therapist. I don’t cognize whether an probe was conducted, but the pursuing year, six of my siblings were enrolled astatine the section charter school, and contiguous the 8 youngest are successful school.

In 2015, I moved from Colorado to Seattle successful hunt of a caller life. Within a year, I was homeless. With nary assemblage grade and constricted schooling, I lone qualified for jobs doing carnal labor. I worked astatine a market store deli portion sleeping successful a car. I showered astatine a gym and changed into my azygous successful the bathrooms of different market stores. While I was surviving successful a car, I mislaid my full blog and the hundreds of posts I had published, due to the fact that I couldn’t spend to wage the web hosting renewal fee.

This past year, my partner, whom I met done communal friends successful 2016, and I recovered a assemblage successful Olympia, Washington. Here, we are among others who were formed retired by utmost religion, astir of america LGBTQIA+ and facing poorness and chronic homelessness. We beryllium to combat the patriarchy and colonizer-capitalism ― and to clasp our lives and emotion without the guilt our families and the religion foisted connected america for truthful galore years. Thanks to the assistance of galore friends and strangers from astir the world, my blog archives person been restored, and I person immoderate fiscal enactment from online patrons of my work.

I endure from chronic symptom and analyzable post-traumatic accent upset (C-PTSD). I bash not ain a car. I tin nary longer enactment connected my feet due to the fact that my assemblage is truthful damaged from being overworked arsenic a child, truthful I write. Between therapy and the relentless inconvenience of poverty, I write. I constitute astir trauma and recovery, astir poorness and injustice, astir what I cognize now.

Twelve years ago, my family’s manner was made into a spectacle for entertainment, alongside a big of arguable shows connected The Learning Channel. I wasn’t allowed to ticker TV arsenic a kid, truthful portion my peers were getting to cognize fourth-wall-breaking wit done comedies satirizing the genre similar ,, my siblings and I were uncertain successful beforehand of the camera crew. We were being under-educated, overlooked owed to the sheer fig of us, and the older kids were raising the younger ones, portion besides catering to our parents’ each whim.

I person not spoken to my parents successful 3 years. I’ve been told their “door is open” and that they are consenting to invited maine backmost if I tin acceptable speech everything that makes maine who I americium today. I’ve ne'er had a accidental to travel retired to them arsenic bisexual. As for my big siblings, astir radical conjecture that our shared acquisition would bring america closer, but this has not been the case. Deeper inactive than the spiritual constituent of our upbringing was an accent connected enactment ethic, being a “good asset” ― and it was this that came betwixt my sisters and maine successful caller years. When I was homeless, my 2 older sisters blamed maine for my ain poverty. My parents’ snare has ever been our siblings, and Lydia couldn’t carnivore to suffer them. In our past exchange, she told maine she was backmost to taking proposal from our parents ― fiscal proposal from my begetter and proposal connected indispensable oils from my parent for her ain unvaccinated children.

Four of my big siblings are inactive portion of the Quiverfull movement. My parents’ superior connection is that radical should person much children, and my siblings are connected their mode to having ample broods, too. Sometimes I person a telephone telephone from 1 of my brothers, but the chasm betwixt what I judge present and what they judge makes connection astir impossible. I miss them, and I anticipation someday I tin physique a narration with them that isn’t based connected adhering to my parents’ beliefs. Though deluded radical with nefarious intentions inactive tally the satellite extracurricular of the 1 I yet escaped, my pyrrhic triumph is I don’t person to delude myself anymore.

Note: The writer changed their sanction successful March 2022, and this portion has been updated accordingly.

Artemis Stardust writes nonfiction astir their experiences increasing up successful a ample fundamentalist evangelical family. They blog astir betterment and inequality, and they are moving connected a memoir. Their penning and artwork tin beryllium recovered connected Patreon, and their tract and different links tin beryllium recovered connected LinkTree. They reside successful Washington State with their spouse and 2 cats.

This nonfiction was supported by the Economic Hardship Reporting Project.

This nonfiction primitively appeared on HuffPost successful 2019 and was updated successful March 2022. We are reposting it present arsenic 1 of the most-loved idiosyncratic essays by BuzzFeed readers.