I Was 19 When I Walked Away From The Arranged Marriage My Parents Chose For Me — And I’m Still Paying The Price

I boarded a level astatine 19 with 1 suitcase — and a matrimony declaration waiting for maine backmost astatine home.

My extended household believed I was going to the United States for school. In reality, I was moving from the beingness of a “good daughter” they had scripted for me.

The antheral I was expected to wed was idiosyncratic I had known since puerility — 5 years older, from a affluent Sikh family, my sister’s classmate, surviving connected the 14th level of our high-rise gathering successful Mumbai. He was my archetypal crush. When I was 12, with oily braids and Coke-bottle glasses, I thought helium was handsome and charming. I spent hours imagining what it would beryllium similar if helium chose me.

By the clip I was 17, the phantasy had cracked. I was the studious, obedient girl, staying up precocious to hole for exams. From my model connected the 2nd floor, I could spot his car propulsion into the store astatine 3 a.m., nighttime aft night, with a antithetic miss successful the rider seat.

While his parents were distant astatine their elevation presumption retreat, helium was encouraged to “get his experience.” I, meanwhile, was expected to safeguard my virginity and reputation. The treble modular was a cage I began to consciousness closing successful astir me. By the clip my parents told maine they had arranged my matrimony to him, my girlhood crush had fixed mode to the crisp clarity that this was not the antheral — oregon the beingness — that I wanted.

My parents supported maine going to the U.S. due to the fact that my husband-to-be was headed to Harvard Business School. They thought it would springiness america a accidental to “get to cognize each other.” Their program was clear: I would study, helium would instrumentality work for me, and wrong a fewer months, helium would suggest and I would instrumentality location to India to beryllium joined to him.

Two years. That was the deal. It was stamped successful achromatic ink connected my visa — and stamped adjacent harder into my future.

Just a mates of months into grad school, I flew to Boston to spot him. He projected successful his Cambridge flat — Porsche parked downstairs, Clapton playing, 2 engagement rings laid out, 1 for maine to deterioration during the time and 1 to deterioration astatine night. By each appearances, it was a dream. But it wasn’t mine.

I said no.

The telephone histrion lit up instantly. He called his mother. His parent called mine. Within hours, I was told to permission Boston. I had flown archetypal people from Los Angeles to Boston to spot him. Now I was broke and carrying my container onto a Greyhound autobus to instrumentality a agelong thrust backmost to California.

That was the archetypal clip I felt the outgo of my choice.

Back successful Claremont, I was renting a country from an American mates who fought loudly each nighttime arsenic their matrimony dissolved. Their arguments became my soundtrack: who would support the couch, who forgot the groceries, who failed whom.

In Mumbai, my nights had been filled with thenar trees swaying extracurricular my model and my cousins’ laughter. Now, successful betwixt the couple’s arguments, soundlessness pressed against me.

Meanwhile, the soundlessness astatine location grew too. Phone calls with my parents became little and brittle. Invitations to weddings stopped. Funerals happened without me. At 1 wedding I wasn’t invited to, an uncle referred to maine arsenic a “slut.” I had dishonored the household name.

That’s what it feels similar to beryllium exiled: alive, but erased.

All the while, the two-year countdown timepiece ticked on. I cried successful the ablution truthful nary 1 would perceive me. I filled retired forms that asked for an “emergency contact” and near them blank.

I was 19 years aged and already felt stateless successful 2 countries.

On my archetypal time of classes, I had walked successful precocious and saw him sitting astatine the acold extremity of a agelong seminar table. He was beauteous — achromatic skin, blondish-red hair, thing similar I had ever seen before. He wasn’t untouchable successful the mode my Boston fiancé seemed, but successful a mode that made maine pause.

A mates of months later, this young antheral and I were some moving astatine the Economics section of our school. I was sitting successful the section office, stuffing envelopes for prospective students, erstwhile helium noticed my once-white-but-now-pink-tinged conduit socks peeking retired of my pants. He smiled awkwardly and asked maine if I needed assistance with laundry.

I laughed. It was the archetypal clip an American antheral had offered to assistance maine with thing arsenic mean arsenic laundry. For the archetypal time, I thought, This is what emotion could look like. Not control. Not duty. Just kindness.

He knew astir the arranged marriage, but helium was blissfully naïve astir what it meant. When my household asked for his commencement clip to marque an astrological chart, helium politely declined, not realizing however bold that refusal was.

Our emotion grew quietly: late-night takeout, survey sessions, tiny moments of being chosen and choosing back.

The 2 years passed. With a recession underway, jobs were scarce. Sponsorships to enactment successful the state adjacent much scarce.

I near Los Angeles for Indianapolis — the lone spot I could find a job. My bosses determination promised to sponsor my paperwork. For months, I believed them. I worked harder, stayed later, and said yes to everything. Then I realized they had been lying. No paperwork had ever been filed.

I learned the American mode the hard way: rent checks bouncing, stretching 1 packet of ramen crossed 3 meals, calculating whether I could spend state to get to work. I watched my friends postgraduate portion I was near behind.

Eventually, I applied to a caller institution and they kept their word. They sponsored my enactment permit, which led to a greenish card, which led to residency. For the archetypal clip successful years, I felt the crushed nether my feet.

I joined the saccharine lad from the Economics department. I mailed photos home. I don’t cognize if my parents looked astatine them, oregon if they shoved them successful a drawer. They ne'er told me.

For 10 years, we were estranged. No calls. No visits. I had go the girl who ran distant and I was erased from household gatherings.

Then, aft I had 3 children, thing shifted. My parents realized I “wasn’t going to get divorced.” They came to sojourn my household successful Indianapolis. Our reconciliation was dilatory and cautious, but it was real. My kids met their grandparents. For a while, it felt similar possibly we had bridged the intolerable gap.

Then calamity shifted everything again. My parents died wrong months of each other, and with them went the fragile span we had begun to rebuild. The coiled remains, tender and unfinished. Today, India is not rather location and not rather gone. It’s a spot I instrumentality to arsenic some girl and stranger, carrying emotion and nonaccomplishment successful adjacent measure.

Decades later, my beingness looks shiny from the outside. A career. A hubby I chose. Three fantastic children.

However, I inactive support a ledger of what it each cost: My mother’s grief. My father’s disappointment. The uncle who called maine names. The cousins whose weddings I missed.

People privation the Hollywood mentation of my story: the daring escape, the triumphant reinvention. And yes, determination were moments that felt similar that. But determination were besides nights I fell dormant wondering if belonging mightiness person been easier than freedom.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

You tin emotion your household and inactive garbage the beingness they chose for you.

You tin beryllium arrogant of your resilience and inactive ache for the birthdays you missed.

You tin physique a location and inactive get homesick erstwhile you odor a crockery that smells similar your mother’s cooking.

Freedom doesn’t cancel retired loss. They unrecorded broadside by broadside for me.

I didn’t conscionable locomotion distant from a antheral I erstwhile crushed on. I walked distant from the publication written for me: the Porsche, the rings, the paperwork battles, the silence, the belonging that came with a terms tag I couldn’t pay.

And I walked into the messy, fragile, beautiful, chosen beingness I built instead.

I mislaid the household that raised me, but I gained the household I chose.

That’s a terms I’d wage again.

Sona Jepsen is simply a writer and C-suite enforcement who walked distant from an arranged matrimony astatine 19 and rebuilt her beingness from scratch successful the U.S. She writes astir courage, caregiving and transformation, weaving idiosyncratic stories with cosmopolitan truths. Her debut book, “Pink Dragon: Breathe Fire Into Your Life and Leadership,” is disposable now. Learn much at sonajepsen.com.

This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful January 2025.