"Why Is Everyone In This Town So F—king Weird?" Here's Every Thought I Had Watching "Twilight" For The Very First Time

2 hours ago 2

The 2008 nostalgia is hitting VERY hard.

Oh, hullo there. I'm Kelley, person of fall, but disliker of things that are spooky and scary. Maybe due to the fact that I thought it was 1 of those 2 things, I look to person missed the vessel erstwhile the Twilight movie archetypal came retired backmost successful 2008. Even though galore of my friends work the books and saw the films, I ne'er got astir to doing either. But: nary longer! It's time!

A idiosyncratic successful a chapeau and stylish outfit sits successful an bureau chair, surrounded by books and machine equipment, smiling astatine the camera

Up until this point, I've lone ever seen things astir Twilight successful memes and Saturday Night Live sketches. Also, I've seen a batch of images of vampires playing baseball. With that context, present are alllllll the thoughts I had arsenic I watched the archetypal Twilight movie for the archetypal time:

I've ne'er seen Phoenix look so...blue.

A idiosyncratic stands adjacent to an unfastened hatchback trunk of a car connected a deserted roadworthy with cacti successful the background

Why did Bella's dada parkland successful the beforehand gait erstwhile the driveway was right there?

Police car parked extracurricular a suburban location with trees around, different conveyance nearby. Scene suggests a residential area

Oh my God, it's Jacob! I cognize him. He's the werewolf, right? I thought helium came into the communicative overmuch later, successful the sequels. Now I'm excited. Are the werewolves successful this movie, too?

A idiosyncratic with agelong hairsbreadth smiles outdoors, wearing a acheronian jacket. Trees and a roadworthy are disposable successful the background

"Because contiguous volition beryllium the nighttime that I volition autumn for you..."

Person successful a casual mounting wearing a acheronian garment and tie, surrounded by a fewer radical successful the background

HERE HE IS! It's Edward! THE VAMPIRE! Hold on. Edward goes to schoolhouse with them? I thought helium lived successful the woods.

Person lasting by a model with a superior expression, trees disposable outside

So Bella smells similar barf, but lone to vampires. He earnestly looks similar he's going to propulsion up. Do each humans odor this atrocious to vampires? Did she devour ail astatine lunch?

A idiosyncratic sitting astatine a subject schoolroom desk, seemingly amused, surrounded by biology materials similar jars and diagrams

SIR. Bella does NOT retrieve you from being Santa 1 azygous clip erstwhile she was 4 years old! Please stop.

Two radical converse successful a bustling diner. A antheral successful a leather overgarment speaks to a pistillate wearing a greenish uniform. Other patrons are disposable successful the background

A PAY PHONE?! Hi, 2008! Miss you!

A pistillate successful a garage, speaking happily connected a phone. Mechanics enactment connected a car successful the background

So Edward is simply a truant. I see.

Students beryllium astatine laboratory tables successful a schoolroom with ample windows and plants. An owl exemplary is displayed connected a table

So Charlie does cognize however to parkland successful the driveway.

Two radical basal extracurricular adjacent to a vintage pickup motortruck and a constabulary car successful beforehand of a location connected a rainy day

Well, well, well. Mister Glare is backmost from his small holiday, it seems.

A idiosyncratic sits successful a subject classroom, looking thoughtful, surrounded by microscopes and laboratory equipment

I thought vampire traits were conscionable pointy teeth, a widow's peak, and a agelong achromatic cloak (I americium assuming Edward's is astatine location due to the fact that it's outpouring close now). They person glowing eyes, too?

A idiosyncratic with styled hairsbreadth stares intently. They are indoors, wearing a casual t-shirt

So... he's Superman? And tin just... halt a car with a stiff arm. Very normal.

A idiosyncratic pushes against a van, protecting different idiosyncratic adjacent to them. Tension and urgency are disposable successful their expressions and actions

Well. Hello.

A idiosyncratic crouches protectively successful beforehand of another, preventing a car from hitting them, successful a dramatic, tense moment

Oho! Another golden-eyed fellow! Is their foster dada the vampire creator? Is helium Doctor Moreau?

Three radical basal nether umbrellas, looking alert. The idiosyncratic successful the halfway wears a airy jacket, portion the others deterioration coats. Their expressions are serious

Aaaaaand present we're successful the infirmary and Doctor Dad Vampire is successful charge. This can't beryllium good. Is the full municipality afloat of vampires???

A idiosyncratic successful a laboratory overgarment speaks successful a aesculapian setting, appearing superior and focused

Edward is present trying to person Bella that helium was close adjacent to her the full time. This is simply a masterclass successful Vampire Gaslighting 101.

A antheral with styled hairsbreadth successful casual attire speaks to a pistillate successful a schoolhouse hallway. Two radical locomotion successful the background

HELLO? You've known Bella for what, 1 week? And you're already asking her to prom? Calm down.

Two teenagers converse casually connected a rainy thoroughfare adjacent a schoolhouse bus, with a radical of students successful the background

"What's successful Jacksonville?" I don't know, Edward, possibly nary radical with ace proceeding that importune connected eavesdropping connected different people's conversations. He is virtually truthful rude.

Teens successful jackets converse adjacent to a schoolhouse bus, surrounded by trees and tiny structures successful the background

Charlie, I highly urge not telling your kid that their different genitor "seems happy" without them around. Please, idiosyncratic get Bella into therapy.

Two radical successful a dimly lit kitchen, 1 lasting and holding their head, the different seated astatine a array with a focused expression

This country with the pome virtually has maine laughing retired loud. Edward says, "If you were smart, you'd enactment distant from me." Well, wherefore bash you support approaching her, then? Leave this pistillate alone!!!

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And Bella mentions she's considered "radioactive spiders and Kryptonite" arsenic the root of his powers. See, Edward? You should've done the Clark Kent glasses!

Overall, this narration is incredibly weird to me. I bash not recognize it astatine all. It's besides bully of her to invitation him to the beach, but it's wide to maine that this antheral is not a teenager. He has the chiseled vibe of a 40-year-old man.

Maybe this is due to the fact that I'm from the South, but the conception of a formation time successful coats does not compute.

Group of friends with surf cogwheel basal by a van connected a beach, chatting and smiling, dressed successful casual, lukewarm clothing

OH NO, is that Santa? In his Santa boat? And are those... vampires??? This is it! Vampires! For real! Here we go!

Person successful a beanie sitting connected a boat, holding a digit to their lips, with a stream successful the background

Look, mean teen stuff! Fun.

A idiosyncratic sits successful a formal shop, looking outside. Two mannequins successful gowns basal nearby, with the thoroughfare presumption disposable done the window

Oh no. Creeps successful a acheronian alley! Sorry, but isn't her dada the main of police? I'm not trying to archer him however to bash his job, but this municipality has a batch of problems and is afloat of criminals who emotion to harass women.

A idiosyncratic stands successful the foreground, watching 2 others walking down a dimly lit alley, suggesting a suspenseful oregon mysterious scene

IT'S HIM! I'm screaming. And he's driving this time!

A car with headlights on, driving accelerated connected a bedewed roadworthy astatine night, creating a melodramatic question effect

He knows you tin conscionable spell the velocity limit, right?

Cars thrust connected a dimly lit thoroughfare astatine night, with storefronts disposable connected the near and headlights illuminating the road

Obviously, helium doesn't devour existent food. Do you guys service Bloody Marys? One for Edward, please.

Three radical beryllium astatine a cozy café array with lukewarm lighting and drinks. A pistillate successful achromatic serves them. The ambiance is intimate and casual

Hang on. Vampires tin READ MINDS?

A idiosyncratic with aggravated look looks towards another, suggesting a superior speech oregon important moment

Take this man's licence away. He's a unspeakable driver!

Car driving connected a bedewed roadworthy astatine night, headlights on, creating reflections connected the slick surface

Isn't it convenient that some their dads are here? Wait. Dr. Foster Dad Vampire Man is also the metropolis coroner? Is helium the lone doc successful this full town? He's gotta beryllium making a killing.

A car parked extracurricular a dimly lit gathering astatine night, with 2 constabulary cars nearby

I wonderment wherefore Charlie chose to springiness Bella capsicum spray alternatively of carnivore spray, considering helium believes the attacker to beryllium an animal.

A antheral hands a young pistillate a tin of capsicum spray, with badges disposable connected the partition down them

Bella's putting it each unneurotic now. I gotta beryllium honest, I didn't recognize truthful overmuch of this movie was Bella trying to fig retired that Edward is simply a vampire. I kinda thought helium told her aboriginal on, and past they made retired for the remainder of the film.

A idiosyncratic speechmaking a publication nether a table lamp, sitting astatine a table with a focused expression

Thank God, she's yet travel to her senses and is giving him the acold shoulder. Go girl! Oh, wait, ne'er mind. Apparently, that was an invitation to spell speech successful the woods. Damn.

Close-up of a young antheral with styled hair, wearing a jacket, looking pensive. Background shows radical lasting and talking outside

Holy shit, the piggyback thrust from HELL! WTF. Universal Studios should marque a thrust of this wherever you beryllium connected an Edward Cullen backmost and spell up a large mountain.

Two figures determination rapidly done a dense forest, creating a blurred question effect

THESE ARE THE TWINLKING ABS OF A MURDERER, BELLA.

A idiosyncratic wearing an unfastened overgarment with glitter connected their bare thorax is lasting outdoors

What is GOING ON?! "Your scent is similar a cause to me?" "You're similar my ain idiosyncratic marque of heroin?" Bella. Stop saying you're not acrophobic of him and get the hellhole retired of here, seriously.

Scene from a movie with a idiosyncratic perched successful a histrion and different lasting below, surrounded by moss-covered rocks and forest

Hm. Well, each right.

Two radical basal intimately successful a forest, gazing intensely astatine each other, with 1 leaning against a mossy rock

Hang on. They're successful emotion now? How did this happen? Well, I conjecture they are teenagers aft all. Wait. SHE is simply a teenager. What is he, a hundred? This feels wildly inappropriate.

Two radical prevarication successful a grassy tract gazing astatine each other. One wears a overgarment implicit a shirt; the different wears a jacket

Edward is giving maine a chiseled vibe close now, and it is:

And present Edward's shiny again. Unfortunately, I cannot spot shiny Edward without reasoning of this:

A idiosyncratic covered successful a shiny substance poses dramatically with hands up, wearing a sleeveless garment that matches the reflective material

Wow. Bella is present affirmative that Edward is simply a vampire. And that helium thirsted for her blood. Yeah, well, helium virtually SAID arsenic much. Why is she successful love? He's doing caput power connected you, hon. It was the piggyback ride. Get retired of there.

Person sitting connected a bed, appearing contemplative, with agelong hairsbreadth and wearing a long-sleeve top. A circular lamp and model are successful the background

Does Edward amusement up successful photos?

Person utilizing a camera outdoors with a blurred radical successful the background, suggesting a casual oregon candid photograph opportunity

Sorry, Edward died successful 1918?! Of Spanish influenza?! This is highly Covid-coded, and it was implicit a decennary earlier that happened. What did Stephenie Meyer cognize and erstwhile did she cognize it?

A idiosyncratic leans implicit different idiosyncratic successful a infirmary furniture successful an intimate, sepia-toned scene, evoking a consciousness of nostalgia oregon emotion

Okay, clasp on. Pause the film. It's clip for america to bash math. If Edward was 17 successful 1918, and it's... is it 2008 successful the film? We'll spell with that. So that'd marque Edward's commencement twelvemonth 1901, and successful 2008, helium would beryllium 107. We're gonna telephone that an property gap, babe.

Ew.

Dying astatine the thought of considering yourself a vegetarian if you only devour animals. We're backmost connected that vampire logic.

Two characters beryllium by a water successful a wood setting, 1 looking pensive and the different appearing inquisitive. Overcast skies acceptable a moody scene

Damn, Edward popped that dent close out. He's been astir for 107 years, and helium hasn't considered starting a car repair business? No, he'd alternatively skulk astir the section precocious school. Of course.

Person inspecting a rusty vehicle, focusing connected the rear instrumentality area. Another idiosyncratic stands nearby, partially visible

Uhh, the Cullens definite unrecorded successful a bully house. How did they spend this connected the wage of a lone doc successful a tiny town? I conjecture due to the fact that he's the coroner, too? Wow.

A modern solid and wood location is surrounded by trees. Two radical attack a metallic car parked connected the gravel driveway

Sorry, but... is this a cross? Are vampires allowed to person those?

A antheral and pistillate basal indoors, looking astatine abstract creation with a woody transverse and mannequin nearby. Light filters done windows successful a wood setting

Huh. They’re each truthful excited for her to beryllium present aft they hated her conscionable a small portion ago. Oh no, they're making Italian food? They’re not utilizing garlic, are they?

Four radical successful a modern kitchen, 1 pointing astatine a screen, 1 chopping food, others lasting nearby. Trees disposable done ample windows

I emotion manic pixie imagination vamp.

Three radical basal successful a country looking concerned. The idiosyncratic successful absorption has abbreviated hairsbreadth and wears a necklace. Background details are blurred

Yeah, this is for definite the chamber of an big male.

Cozy country with ample windows, a furniture with books and a blanket, and shelves filled with records and books; doors unfastened to a wooded view

"You amended clasp connected tight, spider monkey" is the nonstop verbiage a gramps would usage if helium were giving his granddaughter a piggyback ride. God, he's old. He's truthful old!

A idiosyncratic with a superior look carries different idiosyncratic connected their back, some looking intently to the side, acceptable successful a wood scene

Bella is amended than me, due to the fact that I would person told everyone I cognize that Edward is simply a vampire by now. I would’ve texted my girlfriends instantly and asked if they thought it was good to day a antheral who carried maine into a treetop and called maine a spider monkey.

A young pistillate successful a sweater talks to a antheral successful a letterman overgarment outside, with trees and a car successful the background

The eventual self-cockblock is to propulsion yourself crossed the full country alternatively of simply making retired with your teenage girlfriend. Oh, cool, he's conscionable gonna bent retired and ticker her slumber instead. Normal!

A idiosyncratic sits connected a furniture successful a dimly lit country with photos and lights adorning the walls

OMG. It's the shot crippled I've seen clips from!!!

Two radical basal by a car, engaging successful a superior conversation, wearing a overgarment and a headdress respectively, successful a wooded outdoor setting

Everyone successful this metropolis is determined to thrust connected the damn grass.

A muddy Jeep drives crossed a grassy tract with respective radical successful the distance, appearing to beryllium running

I emotion this feline with the sideways hat. He looks similar helium should beryllium successful a lad band.

A idiosyncratic stands successful a tract with their arms outstretched, wearing a headdress backwards and a zip-up jacket, looking expressive

Greetings, Kirkland-brand Lenny Kravitz! Oh, wait, these are the Santa killers! They're bad, right? Since they're non-vegetarian vamps?

Three individuals locomotion done a foggy forest. Central fig has dreadlocks and an unfastened jacket. Others deterioration fur and casual jackets

Bella, I don't similar this man's vibes. Where's your capsicum spray?

A idiosyncratic with agelong hairsbreadth looking intently successful a wood setting

Wait, what? They virtually conscionable met this guy. Edward is conscionable consecutive up like, "We person to rip him isolated and pain the pieces?" This is unhinged. Edward said helium was a killer, truthful present helium wants to marque Bella bash murder, too? Bella, wherever is your capsicum spray, girl??? Get retired of there!

A pistillate talks to a antheral with closed eyes wrong a car, perchance successful an aggravated oregon affectional moment

Now who's the spider monkey?

A vintage pickup motortruck drives connected a bedewed roadworthy astatine night, headlights on, with a rider leaning out, gazing into the darkness

See, kids, this is what happens erstwhile you get yourself progressive with vampires. Your regular teenage friends are retired astatine Denny's having a nightcap, and you’re stuck hiding from a monster and your dada successful a precise bully mid-century modern home.

Four radical lasting unneurotic extracurricular a dimly lit gathering astatine night, appearing successful casual attire, 1 holding a drink

Edward is like, “Bella, you are my beingness now.” Damn, bro. This crap got superior truthful fast. You’re the life of a antheral who’s gonna unrecorded forever. If that’s not an advertisement for retinol, I don’t cognize what is.

A antheral and a pistillate look intensely astatine each different successful a dimly lit car, expressing interest and emotion

There are excessively galore scenes successful this movie of James moving and sniffing the aerial for him to person been introduced this acold successful to the film.

A idiosyncratic with agelong hairsbreadth stands successful a forest, wearing a jacket, eyes closed successful an aggravated expression

This precocious schooler should beryllium looking astatine amoebas nether a microscope adjacent to a cute boy, and alternatively her mom’s being held hostage by vampire Crocodile Dundee. I just…I thought this was a precocious schoolhouse romance makeout film. I don’t recognize what’s happening.

Close-up of a idiosyncratic holding a Nokia telephone displaying an incoming telephone from "Home" with options to reply oregon decline

THERE’S THE PEPPER SPRAY! YES, GIRL, YES!!!

A idiosyncratic looks down, adjusting their overgarment successful a dark, blurred cityscape with glowing lights successful the background

Why is this vampire similar the feline from Saw? This is fundamentally a fearfulness movie now. He had clip to spell done each of her location movies? Why is this overtly sexual? I thought helium conscionable wanted to bash vampire bites connected her, and present helium has a video camera. I'm truthful confused.

Two radical successful an aggravated scene, 1 holding a video camera up to the different person's face. The mounting is dimly lit

Oh, truthful it turns retired capsicum spray doesn’t enactment connected vampires, I guess. That’s connected me.

A idiosyncratic is intensely looking done the viewfinder of a camera successful a dimly lit room

WAIT, HE’S BREAKING HER BONES? WHAT? EW! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Oh hellhole yeah, it's a vampire fight!!! Avenge Santa and Bella's leg!

A idiosyncratic sits connected the level successful a dimly lit room, leaning against a column, appearing disheveled and distressed

IT’S HAPPENING!!! SHE’S VAMPING! SHE’S A VAMPIRE NOW! And she didn't adjacent person to get the Spanish flu to bash it!

Person smiling intensely astatine the camera, holding different person's manus successful a playful oregon melodramatic manner, close-up shot

Oh, convey God. The remainder of the Power Rangers are here.

Two characters face each different successful a tense, melodramatic country successful a dimly lit, expansive interior

Here it comes. They're gonna rip him isolated and pain him up, conscionable similar Edward said, and — DID SHE JUST RIP HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF?!

A radical country from a movie with 3 radical struggling, 1 idiosyncratic is climbing connected another. The mounting appears tense and dramatic

The vampire wound is gonna prevention Bella's life! Wait, Edward is gonna halt her from turning. Fine, I guess. Okay.

Two men kneel implicit an unconscious idiosyncratic successful a dim, chaotic room. Fire burns successful the background, suggesting urgency and drama

Edward is truthful not asleep. He's backmost to his aged gaslighting tricks.

Person sitting connected a furniture successful a dimly lit room, appearing pensive. A lamp and flowers are connected the bedside table

So conscionable to clarify, she fell down the stairs astatine her hotel, crashed done a window, and someway her ballet workplace was randomly destroyed and has a burned-up assemblage successful it. Anyone asking immoderate questions astir that? Anyone like, I don't know, her father, the main of police?

Person lying successful a infirmary furniture wearing a nasal cannula and a infirmary gown, looking concerned

I called it! It's the prom! They're going to the prom!

Three radical chat adjacent a staircase indoors. One smiles, holding a cloth. Another holds a drink, and the 3rd gestures casually

And here's Jacob now, conscionable coming retired of the woods with an untucked shirt. Okay, ya werewolf. Wait. Does he unrecorded successful the woods? We've ne'er seen his house!

A idiosyncratic with agelong hairsbreadth and a casual garment and necktie stands successful a wood scene, leaning connected a tree, with sunlight filtering done the trees

“Prom is an important close of passage,” says the antheral who’s been to astatine slightest 30 of them. If they play "Clair de Lune," I'm gonna scream.

A mates dressed successful ceremonial attire enters a warmly lit enactment room, with radical mingling successful the background

Whoa, he's gonna wound her right here successful the gazebo? Oh, ne'er mind. Just a smooch. Good thinking, honestly. Maybe y'all should springiness it a small clip since y’all person kissed once, and helium had to fling himself crossed the country astir it.

A mates successful an intimate, melodramatic scene; 1 idiosyncratic kisses the other's neck, some look to beryllium lying down

Well, now, who's spying connected them from up here? Is it Edward's aggravated blonde sister? OH NO! It's the baddie, Veronica! Does she spell to their schoolhouse now, too? Where did she get a prom dress?

A idiosyncratic successful elegant evening deterioration and a fur stole stands by a window, with festive lights disposable outside

Wow. What a film! I genuinely cannot hold to spot wherever the bid goes adjacent — and having perfectly nary idea, I'm going to marque a fewer predictions:

— Veronica, the atrocious vampire, decides to prime up connected the hunt wherever the tracker near off

— Jacob and his dada some alteration into werewolves successful an effort to support Bella from Veronica

— A monolithic vampire/werewolf warfare coincides with precocious schoolhouse graduation

— Charlie continues to beryllium wholly clueless astir the supernatural creatures that unrecorded successful Forks

— Bella and Edward buss astatine slightest 1 much time

Now, the large question: Should I decorativeness disconnected the remainder of the movies? Lemme cognize successful the comments.

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