We Didn't Say "Gay" At My High School. It Almost Cost Me My Life.

Coming of property successful the aboriginal ’90s successful a tiny metropolis successful southeastern Wisconsin meant increasing up successful a clip and a spot erstwhile nary 1 said “gay” (or “lesbian” oregon “bisexual” oregon “transgender” oregon “non-binary” oregon immoderate different portion of the LGBTQ+ community), and the lone clip you heard “queer” was if you were being called 1 by 1 of the kids who took turns making your beingness a nightmare similar doing it was their imagination job. Like it was their proudest joy.

My municipality didn’t request authorities similar Florida’s disgusting “Don’t Say Gay” law that specifically prohibits discussing sexuality and sex individuality with kids successful kindergarten done 3rd grade, but which is strategically truthful vaguely worded it could perchance use to kids successful immoderate grade. 

That’s conscionable however it was. Everywhere. Always.

“Don’t Say Gay” was a mode of life. Our mode of life.

There were nary cheery radical successful Racine, Wisconsin, past ― and if determination were (which of course determination were), they didn’t speech astir it. No 1 talked astir it.

It was believed the satellite of wicked queer radical doing wicked queer things was determination other — retired there, miles away, successful large cities wherever atrocious things happened to atrocious people. Most of the tiny towns successful America ― and adjacent galore parts of the large ones ― believed the aforesaid thing. 

But, conscionable the same, determination was inactive a information glowing a queasy, otherworldly glow determination successful the uncomfortably not-distant-enough region and it required that good, God-fearing citizens vigilantly defended themselves and their families against it — oregon other who knows what mightiness happen? 

Or other everyone knew exactly what mightiness happen.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the memo.

I’ve been cheery since the 2nd I sauntered retired of my ma astatine St. Luke’s Hospital successful July 1978. Not conscionable cheery ― gay gay. The benignant of cheery that radical would susurration about. The benignant of cheery that radical would interest about. The benignant of cheery that I could bash thing about. And for the archetypal 4 oregon 5 years of my life, the benignant of cheery that I didn’t ever deliberation to deliberation astir due to the fact that it was conscionable who I was and I inactive didn’t cognize I needed to hatred oregon fell it.

Once I started kindergarten, I rapidly learned however boys behaved and however girls behaved and, consequently, that however I behaved wasn’t however I was expected to behave. But nary substance however hard I tried to change, thing changed.

In eighth grade, my person Krissy (I had been, similar truthful galore young cheery boys, beloved by the girls successful my people for galore years due to the fact that they adored my wit and my sass and my postulation of My Little Ponies, but the older we got, the alien and wronger I seemed, adjacent to them) told maine that a lad successful our people was telling radical I was gay. At that point, I didn’t cognize precisely what being cheery was, but I knew it wasn’t thing you wanted to beryllium and, terrifyingly, due to the fact that of the thoughts I was having astir different boys, I knew that it was precisely what I was.

Even though I can’t retrieve what I had for luncheon yesterday, I tin inactive retrieve the look connected Krissy’s look erstwhile she asked maine if it was existent and I told her no. She looked relieved but I besides saw much than a flicker of disbelief flash down her eyes. She knew. I knew. Soon everyone would know. 

So, I spent the adjacent six months begging God to marque maine straight. Worried a elemental supplication each nighttime earlier furniture wouldn’t suffice for specified a momentous request, I wrote him letters instead. Every nighttime aft dinner, I sat astatine my table and poured my bosom retired to him portion listening to Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” which was my favourite medium astatine the clip and felt peculiarly due for the spiritual task astatine hand. (I told you I was gay ― truthful cheery that adjacent erstwhile I was pleading with God to rewire maine truthful I was nary longer the gaudy pinkish lamp perilously shooting sparks crossed the surviving room, I couldn’t assistance but bash it arsenic gayly arsenic possible.)

And conjecture what happened?

Nothing.

I was inactive cheery and headed consecutive to hellhole ― aka precocious school. 

And it was hell. When I archer you I had nary friends successful ninth grade, I mean I had no friends. My gayness made maine odious. Poisonous. Dangerous.

I hadn’t travel retired ― that was conscionable not an enactment ― but everyone inactive knew. How could they not? My gayness was undisguisable. Unavoidable. Inescapable.

No 1 wanted to beryllium seen with maine oregon talking to maine ― unless they were torturing maine ― truthful I spent each of my clip alone. Hiding. Holding my breath. Futilely trying to marque my assemblage melt into the furnishings successful immoderate country I recovered myself in. 

The torture was relentless and enthusiastic and horrific.

I was called each atrocious sanction you tin deliberation of.

Often, whoever was sitting successful the table down maine would thin guardant and slap the backmost of my caput oregon flick my ears passim immoderate people we were in.

One Saturday afternoon, idiosyncratic called my location pretending to beryllium different incredibly unpopular lad successful our people and erstwhile I picked up the phone, an artificially soprano dependable with a preposterous lisp said, “Hi, Noah! This is your cheery lover!” Then the dependable abruptly changed to a heavy growl and it spit, “WATCH YOUR BACK BECAUSE I HATE FAGGOTS” done the receiver and into my ear.

I was held down successful the gym locker country and doused successful spray-on deodorant.

I was tripped down a formation of bleacher steps aft a pep rally I had been desperately trying to teleport myself distant from.

I could spell on, but I won’t. 

This was 1992. Not lone did we not accidental cheery astatine schoolhouse (or anyplace else), but determination was nary Ellen oregon Pose oregon Queer Eye oregon Lil Nas X. RuPaul hadn’t adjacent released “Supermodel of the World” yet. You had to usage your imaginativeness to find queer radical connected TV oregon successful the movies oregon connected the vigor (or, if they were there, they were the villain oregon the butt of immoderate nauseating joke). You had to squint to spot yourself successful the world. And excessively often, adjacent if you could drawback a glimpse — adjacent if you could instrumentality a fewer seconds retired of your engaged time of hating oregon half-heartedly defending yourself from your tormentors to situation to imagination of a aboriginal that didn’t see a wife, a sedate oregon a beingness of suffering and loneliness — determination was nary matrimony equality. There was nary cheery adoption. And determination was AIDS.

My uncle Ward came location from New York City to dice of AIDS successful my grandparents’ home, which was adjacent to my house, successful 1990. I was 12. I saw him erstwhile helium arrived successful Racine and helium was already conscionable a container of bones being helped up the driveway by my mom. I ne'er saw his goofy gap-toothed grin again but successful my panicked daydreams wherever his decease was my decease ― and it was present clearer than ever that the lone happening that being cheery would bring maine was death.

My parents were — are — astonishing (well, my ma is — my dada passed successful 2007). They loved my uncle. They took maine and my brothers to spot the AIDS Quilt aft helium died. They taught maine astir acceptance and knowing and emotion and they love(d) maine unconditionally (and truthful bash my brothers). And looking backmost now, I cognize that if I had travel retired to them, they would person supported maine (and, of course, they knew each on ― however could they not?). But astatine the time, determination was simply nary world successful which I believed that could happen.

My shame was truthful heavy it suffocated thing bully that I had successful my beingness and I didn’t deliberation determination was immoderate mode I could ever explicate however hard I wounded — oregon who I was, particularly aft we mislaid my uncle — to them. I conscionable couldn’t do that to them. That’s however revolting I believed I was. But I cognize with each dizzy electron spinning successful my assemblage that I would not beryllium present contiguous without the emotion I received from my family. Still, it astir wasn’t enough.

Because God ne'er got astir to making maine consecutive and due to the fact that I wasn’t definite I could look different time of precocious schoolhouse ― oregon immoderate horrors astir surely awaited maine if I were to someway marque it retired of precocious schoolhouse ― I decided to instrumentality matters into my ain hands and I began to look for ways to termination myself. I’ll spare you the grisly specifics but let’s conscionable accidental if you tin deliberation of it, I thought of it. I researched it. I fantasized astir it. Several times I got arsenic adjacent to the borderline arsenic you tin get and past hovered there, frozen, earlier yet dilatory backing away.

Not saying cheery ― not proceeding cheery oregon seeing cheery oregon knowing that determination were cheery radical determination retired successful the satellite surviving healthy, blessed lives (or that being cheery and surviving a happy, steadfast beingness was adjacent a possibility) astir killed me. It astir made maine termination myself.

I near my precocious schoolhouse a fewer weeks into 10th people aft telling my parents I wasn’t happy. I didn’t archer them precisely however unhappy I was oregon why, but 4 days later, I was astatine a caller school. Once there, I forced myself to effort to “butch up” arsenic champion arsenic I could. Since I wasn’t going to die, I had to survive, and it seemed similar my champion bet.

I inactive wonderment who and however I’d beryllium if I had been capable to beryllium who I was expected to be. I inactive deliberation astir that small lad and everything that was stolen from him.

Just due to the fact that I didn’t dice doesn’t mean I lived. Not for a agelong time. It took years earlier I had the assurance to bash thing arsenic elemental arsenic bid a pizza oregon inquire a alien for directions. Before I nary longer cowered erstwhile idiosyncratic got excessively adjacent to me. Before I felt worthy of being seen oregon heard oregon known ― of wanting to beryllium seen and heard and known, adjacent by my ain self. 

Thirty years later, I’m arrogant to telephone myself cheery and to place arsenic portion of the queer community. So overmuch has changed implicit the past 3 decades but truthful overmuch hasn’t and I cognize determination are kids who consciousness the mode I felt. Even with each of the advancement we’ve made. Even with each of the victories we’ve had.

Kids are who they are. Teaching them astir queer radical doesn’t marque them queer. Teaching them astir consecutive radical doesn’t marque them straight. Instead, laws similar “Don’t Say Gay,” which person been oregon are being pushed successful galore places successful this country, thatch kids that being queer is not lone not OK, it’s truthful violative and unsafe we person to bash immoderate we tin to not speech oregon cognize astir it. And that has precise existent consequences.

I know. I lived done it. But conscionable barely. But astir not. And excessively galore others similar maine didn’t marque it. Too galore others similar maine won’t marque it.

So, we indispensable bash thing astir it.

I person been truthful moved by the kids ― queer and not queer ― successful this state who person walked retired of their schools successful protestation of these laws, and who person taught classes connected queer past successful their past classes contempt the occupation it could cause.

They are who I privation I had been ― but this is not who they should person to beryllium oregon however they should beryllium spending their young lives.

They should beryllium anyplace doing thing but warring to archer and perceive the stories of the queer radical ― celebrated oregon unknown, courageous oregon petrified, triumphant oregon forgotten ― who person existed connected this satellite since this satellite has existed.

They should beryllium anyplace doing thing but warring to beryllium precisely arsenic who they are, wherever they are.

These kids are increasing up successful a antithetic satellite ― an objectively much divers satellite with much examples of who and however to beryllium than I had, and that comforts and excites me. But we haven’t won ― we person truthful overmuch much enactment to bash and our enemies are furiously moving to spot that we don’t bash it. That we ne'er consciousness seen oregon safe. And, unfortunately, excessively galore of them clasp positions of powerfulness and they are cruel and crafty capable to not lone halt us, but to besides unit america backward.

But ne'er again.

From present on, erstwhile idiosyncratic says we shouldn’t accidental cheery (and trans and lesbian and bisexual and queer and each the different words they’re frightened of) ― accidental it anyway. Say it louder and much often than you mightiness person if things were otherwise. Say it to your elected officials. Say it to yourself erstwhile you’re voting for your elected officials. Say it to your kids. Say it whenever you tin and particularly wherever they accidental you shouldn’t oregon can’t. Tell them you can. Tell them you will. Tell them you ne'er won’t.

Tell them however we’ve heard this communicative earlier and it does not ― we volition not fto it ― extremity the mode they deliberation it volition oregon privation it to.

Tell them this communicative you heard astir this kid successful Wisconsin who wanted to dice a fewer decades agone due to the fact that helium was made to judge helium was a sin, a slur, a scourge ― wholly unworthy of thing resembling goodness oregon grace oregon a time without the deepest benignant of despair.

And past archer them however helium lived ― archer them however live helium is close this precise infinitesimal contempt each of the soundlessness and the sorrow and the panic helium was steeped in.

Tell them helium is finally, astir days, happy, but it took excessively galore years and excessively galore tears to get here.

Tell them that portion it mightiness dependable similar a miracle, determination are nary miracles ― there’s conscionable the truth.

Tell them the information is we person travel excessively acold and we garbage to ever spell back.

Note: I wrote this piece for HuffPost 4 years ago, erstwhile the archetypal nationalist “Don’t Say Gay” instrumentality popped up successful Florida, and I’m publishing it again present successful June 2026 — Pride Month — due to the fact that it’s inactive each excessively relevant. Since I archetypal shared this piece, hundreds much anti-LGBTQ bills person been projected successful legislatures crossed the United States and galore of those hundreds of bills person been approved and signed into law. Countless LGBTQ books person been banned and pulled disconnected of room shelves. Funding for queer organizations that bash life-saving enactment has been cut. So overmuch caller unthinkable trauma and calamity has been unleashed upon the queer assemblage since 2022, but, astatine the aforesaid time, 1 happening has not changed: No substance what happens, we proceed to combat back. Because we garbage to beryllium erased. Because we person been present earlier and we cognize the lone mode guardant is lasting our ground. Because we’ve seen that erstwhile we rally unneurotic against those who privation to bash america harm, we win. When we archer our stories — to each other, to ourselves, to anyone who whitethorn perceive them — we basal ourselves present and we make the imaginable for others to bash the aforesaid until they’re harmless and acceptable to stock their ain stories. Too overmuch of what I wrote astir successful this portion is inactive excessively true, but queer radical person existed since the opening of clip and we aren’t going anywhere. 

Noah Michelson is the caput of HuffPost Personal and the big of “D Is For Desire,” HuffPost’s emotion and enactment podcast. He joined HuffPost successful 2011 to motorboat and oversee the site’s archetypal vertical dedicated to queer issues, Queer Voices, and went connected to oversee each of HuffPost’s assemblage sections earlier pivoting to make and tally HuffPost Personal successful 2018. He received his MFA successful poesy from New York University and has served arsenic a commentator for MSNBC, the BBC, Entertainment Tonight, Current TV, Fuse, SiriusXM and HuffPost Live. You tin find much from him on Instagram.

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