4 days ago
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Hi friends! 2025 has been A LOT...so you could beryllium forgiven if it has you looking similar this:
But you cognize what they say, "you gotta laughter oregon you'll cry," truthful present are a clump of comic jokes (sourced from r/jokes and this Quora thread) that mightiness really marque you ace a grin contempt it all! Check 'em out:
1. "Why bash ducks person tails? To fell their butt quacks."
2. "My person had country to modulation from a antheral to a woman. I asked her, 'Of each the things they cut, what wounded the most?' 'The salary,' she said."
3. "Did you cognize that William Shatner erstwhile tried to commencement up his ain lingerie institution for women? Unfortunately, Shatner Panties turned retired to beryllium a unspeakable prime for a marque name."
4. "My Tinder bio says that I person a country bureau with views of the full city, thrust a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates ne'er look excessively blessed erstwhile I archer them I'm a autobus driver."
5. "Overheard 2 ladies talking — One said, 'I'm getting a boob job.' The different said, 'Well, I'm getting my asshole bleached.' The archetypal 1 looked astatine her amazed and said, 'I can't representation your hubby arsenic a blonde.'"
6. "Fred came location from assemblage successful tears. 'Mum, americium I adopted?' 'Of people not,' his parent replied. 'Why would you deliberation specified a thing?' Fred showed her his genealogy DNA trial results — helium was nary lucifer for immoderate of his relatives and a beardown lucifer for a household surviving connected the city's different side."
"Shocked, his parent called her husband.
'Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and...and...I don't cognize however to accidental this...he whitethorn not beryllium our son.'
'Well, obviously!' helium replied.
'What bash you mean?' she asked.
'It was your thought successful the archetypal place,' her hubby continued. 'Remember that archetypal nighttime successful the infirmary erstwhile the babe did thing but shriek and outcry and shriek and cry? On and on. And past you asked maine to alteration him? I picked a bully one, I reckon. Ever truthful arrogant of Fred.'"
7. "My woman texted maine this greeting and said, 'Your great.' I replied, 'No, you’re great.' She’s been successful a large temper ever since. I should close her grammar much often."
8. "How galore incels does it instrumentality to screw successful a lightbulb? None. They conscionable beryllium successful the acheronian blaming the bulb for not screwing them."
9. And here's different bully 1 connected the aforesaid subject: "What bash an incel and Excel person successful common? They often mistake everything for a date."
10. "My woman gave maine a handjob the different time utilizing Vaseline. I came 3 times trying to lavation that crap off."
11. "A dumb feline is overweight, truthful his doc puts him connected a diet. 'I privation you to devour regularly for 2 days, past skip a day, and repetition that for 2 weeks. The adjacent clip I spot you, you'll person mislaid astatine slightest 5 pounds.' When the feline returns, he's mislaid astir 20 pounds."
"'Wow, that's amazing!' the doc says. 'Did you travel my instructions?'
The feline nods. 'I'll archer you, I thought I was going to driblet dormant that 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?' said the doctor.
'No, from skipping,' replied the guy."
12. "A affluent antheral tells different guy: 'I’ll springiness you $50K, but your worst force gets treble that.' The feline smiles and says, 'Cool. I’ve ever wanted $150K.'"
13. "A kindergarten teacher is trying to explicate to her people the explanation of the connection 'definitely.' To marque definite the students person a bully knowing of the word, she asks them to usage it successful a sentence. A pupil successful the beforehand raises her manus and says, 'The entity is decidedly blue.' The teacher says, 'Well, that isn't wholly close due to the fact that sometimes it's grey and cloudy.' Another pupil says, 'Grass is decidedly green.' The teacher again replies, 'If writer doesn't get capable water, it turns brown, truthful that isn't truly close either.' Finally, Billy raises his manus and asks the teacher, 'Do farts person lumps?'"
14. "A small miss asks her father, 'What is SEX?' The begetter thinks, this is the time I archer my small princess everything astir sex. He sits her down and explains sex, including intersexual intercourse, conception, sperm, eggs, ovulation, menstruation, etc."
"Then the small miss asks, 'Daddy, what is simply a COUPLE?'
He explains that a mates is erstwhile 2 radical are romantically progressive and that it usually involves them having sex. Then, successful his nervousness, helium begins explaining successful excessively overmuch item the antithetic intersexual positions. Finally, helium cuts himself disconnected and asks the small girl, 'Why bash you privation to cognize astir a mates and sex?'
She replied, 'Mommy said that luncheon volition beryllium acceptable successful 'A COUPLE OF SECS.'"
—Navnath U., Quora
15. "My penis utilized to beryllium successful the Guinness Book of World Records, but past the librarian asked maine to instrumentality it retired and permission the building."
16. "A tiny level is flying from Dallas to Denver erstwhile the motor sputters and dies. The aviator runs retired of the cockpit, grabs a parachute, opens the door, past says, 'Sorry, determination are lone 3 parachutes left,' and jumps out. This leaves the 4 passengers: a 12-year-old boy, a assemblage professor, a priest, and a doctor."
17. "I dated a miss whose kink was freezing my penis. We yet broke it off."
18. "A antheral ever smokes 2 cigarettes astatine the aforesaid time, truthful yet 1 of his friends asks, 'What's with the 2 cigarettes?' The antheral replies, 'My member is successful prison, and helium told maine to fume a cigaret for him each clip I fume 1 for myself.' Sometime later, his person sees the antheral smoking 1 cigaret alternatively of two. Surprised, the person asks, 'Has your member been freed from prison?' The antheral replies, 'No, I conscionable discontinue smoking.'"
19. "A 60-year-old millionaire got joined to a 20-year-old model. When his friends asked him however helium did it, helium said: 'I lied astir my age.' They past asked: 'Ah, truthful you said you were 40?' He answered: 'No, I said I was 90.'"
20. "A antheral mislaid 1 of his arms successful an accident. One day, helium felt terribly depressed and decided to extremity his life. He went to the apical of a gathering to leap off, and was lasting connected the ledge looking down erstwhile helium saw this antheral skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked person and saw this antheral didn't person immoderate arms astatine all. He started thinking, what americium I doing up present feeling atrocious for myself? I inactive person 1 bully limb to bash things with. There goes a antheral with nary arms skipping down the sidewalk blessed and going connected with his life."
"He hurried down to the thoroughfare and caught up to the antheral with nary arms. He told him however gladsome helium was to spot him due to the fact that helium had mislaid 1 of his arms and felt disfigured and useless and was going to termination himself. He thanked him for redeeming his life, adding helium knew helium could marque it with 1 limb if that feline could spell connected with nary arms. The antheral with nary arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.
The one-armed antheral asked, 'Why are you truthful blessed anyway?'
He replied, 'I'm NOT happy…my ass itches.'"
—Charu R., Quora
21. "A antheral walks into the therapist's bureau and says, 'I deliberation I mightiness beryllium a dog.' The therapist offers him a seat, and the antheral responds, 'Oh I'm not allowed connected the furniture.'"
22. "A pistillate dressed up arsenic a policewoman, past amazed her fellow successful their chamber and told him he's nether apprehension connected suspicion of being bully successful bed. After 2 minutes each charges were dropped owed to a deficiency of evidence."
23. "During a sojourn to the intelligence asylum, I asked the director, 'How bash you find whether oregon not a diligent should beryllium institutionalized?'"
"'Well,' said the director, 'we capable up a bathtub, past we connection a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the diligent and inquire him oregon her to bare the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A mean idiosyncratic would usage the bucket due to the fact that it's bigger than the spoon oregon the teacup.'
'No,' said the director, 'A mean idiosyncratic would propulsion the bathtub drain plug. Do you privation a furniture adjacent the window?'"
24. "A pistillate asked an old, retired Army wide erstwhile was the past clip helium made emotion to a woman. The wide replied, '1959, ma'am.' The woman, successful disbelief, said, '1959?! That long? Come with me, and fto maine marque your nighttime better.' The pistillate and wide went backmost to her flat and made passionate love. Afterward, the pistillate cuddled up to the wide and said, 'Well, you definite haven't forgotten thing since 1959.' The wide looked astatine her, confused, and replied, 'I definite anticipation not! It's lone 21:30 now.'"
25. "A pistillate holding her small babe gets onto a bus. The operator says, 'Wow, that’s an disfigured baby!' The pistillate is outraged, but says nothing. As she walks backmost to an unfastened seat, different rider sees that she is upset, and asks why. She says, 'That autobus operator was truthful rude and insulting!' The rider says, 'Why, you conscionable spell close backmost and springiness the operator a portion of your mind! Here, I’ll clasp your monkey.'”
26. "A radical of nuns is coating their convent connected a blistery summertime day. Mother Superior tells them to hurry up and decorativeness due to the fact that the unsighted antheral is coming. The nuns get truthful blistery from moving successful the vigor that 1 suggests they instrumentality their tops disconnected to chill down. Another says, 'OK, I conjecture it’s conscionable a unsighted antheral that’s coming.' The unsighted antheral arrives and says, 'Nice tits. Where bash you privation the blinds?'"
27. "My parrot precocious died. Its past words were, 'Fuck, I deliberation my parrot's astir to die.'"
28. "Two sperm are swimming astir wrong a lass. One says, 'Are we astatine the ovum yet?' The different replies, 'Nah mate, we've lone conscionable passed the tonsils...'"
29. "A motortruck operator is starving and stops astatine a biker bar. He orders a brew and immoderate food. Right aft he’s served, a biker pack enters the bar, anxious for a fight. One walks up to the trucker, and slaps his chapeau off. The trucker takes a sip of beer. Another biker swats his nutrient disconnected the table. The trucker takes different sip of beer. So a 3rd biker grabs the brew and pours it implicit the trucker’s head. The trucker gets up, pays the bill, and leaves. The biker person says, 'That trucker definite wasn’t overmuch of a fighter.' The bartender says, 'He’s not overmuch of a operator either. He conscionable drove implicit each your bikes!'”
30. "At a occupation interview, the institution manager asks the candidate, 'Why are you asking for specified a precocious wage erstwhile you person nary acquisition successful this field?' The campaigner replies, 'Well, the occupation is overmuch harder erstwhile you don't cognize what you're doing.'"
31. "A feline dies and, having been acold from cleanable successful life, finds himself successful hell. The devil greets him and explains that he'll person to prime from 1 of 3 rooms to walk eternity in. So, the feline looks into the archetypal country and sees anguished radical shrieking successful fearfulness arsenic they pain successful a monolithic fire. He rapidly shuts the door."
32. "A feline is successful for a occupation interview, and the interviewer asks him, 'What would you see to beryllium your biggest weakness?'"
"The feline replies, 'Honesty. I’m honorable with everyone; I don’t cognize however to beryllium thing different than wholly honorable with each azygous idiosyncratic I meet.'
The interviewer says, 'I don’t truly spot however honesty could beryllium considered a weakness? In fact, I deliberation honesty is simply a large strength!'
To which the feline replies, 'I don’t truly springiness a crap what you think.'”
—Steven O., Quora
33. "Two aged ladies are sitting connected a autobus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and 1 aged woman pulls retired a condom, stretches it out, snips the extremity off, and puts it implicit her cigaret truthful she tin fume without her cigaret getting damp. The different aged woman thinks that it is simply a nifty instrumentality and asks her what she enactment implicit her cigarette. The woman replies that it is simply a condom, and that you tin bargain them astatine a pharmacy. The 2nd aged woman acknowledgment her, and makes a enactment to prime 1 up erstwhile she gets her medicine filled aboriginal that week."
"Sure enough, a fewer days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young antheral moving the counter, and says, 'Young man, I would similar to bargain a condom, please.'
The young antheral is taken aback by her precocious age, and replies, 'Wow. Good for you! No 1 has ever asked maine for assistance with that before. Um....what size bash you need?'
The aged pistillate pauses, past replies, 'I request 1 that volition acceptable a camel.'”
34. "My woman called retired to maine from the different room: 'Do you ever get a shooting symptom crossed your chest…like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?' I said, 'No?!' She said: '…How astir now?'”
35. "A antheral sits astatine a barroom and orders 10 beers and drinks them 1 aft the other. He past orders 9 beers and drinks them arsenic well, and this goes connected and on."
"So helium orders 7 beers and drinks them, six beers and drinks them, 5 beers and drinks them, and past yet 4 beers. After drinking these past 4 beers, helium says to the bartender:
'I don’t recognize this. The little beers I drink, the much drunk I get.'”
36. "A small aged woman goes to her doc for a checkup. The doc asks her if she is having immoderate problems. 'Yes doctor, I person a problem. I person to fart a lot. I fart each the time. Fortunately, nary 1 tin perceive them oregon odor them. In fact, I person farted doubly conscionable since you came in. I stake you couldn’t perceive oregon odor them, could you?'"
"The doc gives her an introspection and says to her, 'I tin dainty this occupation with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.'
'The over-the-counter medicine volition assistance your assemblage nutrient little gas, the medicine medicine volition assistance you retrieve your consciousness of smell, and I americium giving you a referral to an audiologist to spot if they tin assistance you to perceive better.'”
37. "Two nuns are riding their bicycles astir the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks implicit astatine the different and says, 'You know, I’ve ne'er travel this mode before.' The different nun replies, 'Must beryllium the cobblestones.'”
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