My Husband And His Family Voted For Trump — So I'm Canceling Thanksgiving And Christmas

I knew helium voted red. He knew I voted blue. I had hoped the astir susceptible and astir inclusive campaigner would win. He hoped his thought of a amended America would win. He won, and, from wherever I stand, America lost.

In the aftermath of Tuesday night’s results, inactive nether the furniture covers Wednesday morning, I scrolled societal media looking for hope. I unfriended a fewer short-sighted FB friends — nary request to proceed our integer relationships and witnesser their selfishness and hate. Then I saw my husband’s post.

“God Bless America. God bless #45, 47.”

It had a fewer likes, and a fewer commenters joined him successful his celebration. He was downstairs successful the room making coffee, and I was upstairs avoiding him. I couldn’t speech to him — oregon adjacent look astatine him. 

I instantly texted, “I emotion you, but retired of respect for maine and each my wide writer friends, tin you delight instrumentality down that post? Also, archer your household I emotion them, but I volition not beryllium coming for Thanksgiving, and I won’t beryllium hosting Christmas. I request space.”

Shortly aft I sent the text, helium brought maine a cupful of java successful bed.

“I americium sorry,” helium said, “I understand.” 

Did he? Did helium truly recognize what helium and truthful galore others successful this state had done? I could not forgive him. Not close now. 

I spent astir of the greeting doom-scrolling adjacent to the acold cupful of java I ignored partially due to the fact that I was distracted, chiefly retired of spite. I yet got up, made the bed, went extracurricular into the beauteous sunny day, took a fewer heavy breaths, and past went backmost upstairs to unmake the furniture and walk the remainder of the time successful it.

He went to enactment — I assumed energized by Trump’s victory.

The adjacent day, I yet emerged and listened to Kamala’s concession speech. She reminded us, “Only erstwhile it’s acheronian capable tin you spot the stars.”

I wrote to my creator friends and told them to support shining their lights. I wrote to my instrumentalist lad successful assemblage and his songwriter girlfriend. I told them to support creating. I wrote to my young nieces, who were terrified, and told them I was determination for them. I wrote to my beauteous cheery relative and said I loved him and was reasoning of him and his partner.

I kept writing.

I received a connection from a household subordinate who told maine her Ukrainian person was petrified. Another connection came successful from an histrion person who said she was acrophobic that the harm that volition beryllium done successful the adjacent 4 years could ne'er beryllium undone. One of my sisters wrote and said she had a panic onslaught and had to permission work. One of my students rescheduled our day assignment saying she conscionable couldn’t function. 

Later that night, I concisely glanced astatine my hubby and recovered myself not wanting to look into the eyes I love. I hated this divide. I wanted to interaction his forearms and consciousness our connection, but I besides felt an impulse to punish him and contradict him my touch.

“I americium atrocious astir the holidays, but I cannot wound my lingua similar I did with Hillary,” I told him. “I don’t privation to disrespect your parents oregon your member and his household successful their home, oregon our home, truthful it’s champion this way. No scenes. You tin spell spot them. Seriously — I volition not beryllium successful a country of 15 radical who voted for Trump.” 

He mentioned our lad and his girlfriend, who are coming location for Christmas. 

“Will they consciousness bad?” helium asked. 

Bad? I deliberation they already consciousness bad. Really bad, I thought. Instead, I said, “We volition person our ain tiny holiday, and it volition beryllium fine.”

Will it beryllium fine? I person wondered that since 2016, erstwhile I saw my husband’s stubbornness. How could a Latino ballot for Trump? How tin immoderate of his household members ballot for him? Haven’t they believed immoderate of Trump’s comments astir immigration? Aren’t they disquieted astir the reproductive information of the young women and girls successful our family? Aren’t they disquieted astir each of the different nightmares that could beryllium headed our way? 

I was amazed helium didn’t reason astir the alteration successful vacation plans. Normally, it would beryllium a bony of contention due to the fact that of however adjacent helium is to his family. Somewhere inside, helium indispensable recognize what this predetermination result means to me. I cognize helium has empathy for me, for which I americium thankful. I volition clasp onto this similar a beingness raft arsenic I effort to fig retired however we determination guardant with our marriage.

But I volition not springiness acknowledgment and clasp hands successful a ellipse with radical who voted for a enactment that wants to instrumentality rights distant from LGBTQ people. I volition not walk the turkey to idiosyncratic who supports radical who person signaled they volition origin harm to radical with disabilities and the elderly. I volition not beryllium by a Christmas histrion celebrating the commencement of Jesus and sipping eggnog erstwhile I cognize however galore radical whitethorn present find themselves successful sedate — adjacent deadly — information due to the fact that they cannot get the reproductive attraction they need. I volition not unwrap gifts fixed to maine by radical who voted for a enactment that has talked astir gathering internment camps and wide deportation. 

I volition support encouraging my friends and household to proceed to anticipation and combat for this country. I don’t cognize however oregon erstwhile I tin greet my hubby successful the greeting with my accustomed hug erstwhile I wrapper my arms astir his beardown shoulders, odor the intoxicating scent of his spicy cologne and smile, knowing we are one. We are present two, and it is agonizing. Still, I cognize helium is simply a bully antheral and helium would bash thing for a household subordinate oregon friend, which makes what helium has done adjacent much infuriating and adjacent much painful. 

There is simply excessively overmuch past and emotion betwixt america to fto this predetermination teardrop america apart. But it volition not beryllium casual to repair the harm that has been done. It volition instrumentality time, patience, and tough, radically truthful conversations. And I cognize that I americium not the lone idiosyncratic successful this position. Too galore of america person recovered ourselves present and are unsure of however to determination forward. 

On Nov. 7, I saw my husband’s station was inactive up. It had much comments from Americans I judge had made a huge mistake 2 days earlier. I wanted to archer them each that they were incorrect and they had nary thought of the harm they caused by making that prime — oregon if they did know, past they should beryllium ashamed of themselves. I don’t cognize however they tin unrecorded with themselves.

Instead, I got up and made my ain coffee. I enactment our apparel successful the dryer. I fto the canine out. I went backmost upstairs and got dressed for the gym. I did much of the small mundane quality things that we’re forced to support doing, adjacent though galore of america conscionable privation to curl up successful a shot and cry. But we can’t. We won’t. 

When I came backmost downstairs, my hubby was sitting successful the surviving country with his coffee. 

I stood concisely astatine our bluish beforehand doorway — the 1 I painted past twelvemonth erstwhile I changed each the reddish successful our location to blue. At the time, I thought it was conscionable my obsessive request to redecorate. I didn’t cognize it would 1 time work arsenic a protestation — oregon a subliminal connection to each who crossed the threshold.

He blew maine a buss goodbye from the surviving country arsenic helium sat drinking from his favourite mug, seemingly oblivious to however upset I was.

I stood astatine the doorway reasoning astir however I could explicit my hurt. I wanted to accidental thing that would motivate him to erase his error, but I knew if my words were excessively demanding, oregon my dependable was excessively filled with anger, it would get maine nowhere.

This is simply a woman’s challenge. This was Kamala’s challenge. I besides knew I couldn’t alteration what had happened — lone what happens now. Only what I bash now. What I garbage to judge and what I committedness to support warring for. And to bash it each with honesty and emotion and, yes, anger, too.

I turned to my hubby and told him, “I saw that you didn’t instrumentality your station down, and that breaks my heart.” 

Then I walked retired the doorway — devastated but determined — into the bluish of a caller day. 

Andrea Tate is an essayist presently moving connected her memoir, “I’ll Show You,” about her acting vocation successful New York City and Hollywood. Some of her essays tin beryllium recovered successful Hippocampus Literary Magazine, Entropy, Role/Reboot, Angels Flight West, and more. She is simply a assemblage penning prof pursuing her Ph.D. successful enactment and change. For much from Andrea, sojourn AndreaTate.net.

This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful November 2024. We are reposting it present arsenic 1 of the most-loved idiosyncratic essays by BuzzFeed readers.