I Was Taught To Protect My Virginity At All Costs. Instead, I Decided To Seduce My Town's Star Athlete.

“Girls, erstwhile a antheral goes to the store to bargain a shirt, does helium prime up the aged 1 connected the level that’s been tried connected and wrinkled? Or does helium privation a garment consecutive retired of the package, each bully and clean?”

Mr. Walsh, our main academy religion teacher, virtually foamed astatine the rima erstwhile helium got excited. He dabbed ineffectually astatine it present with the process of a button-down oxford earlier gleefully tossing it to the signifier floor.

“Of course, a antheral ever wants a marque caller shirt!” helium squealed, trampling the unfortunate item. “He doesn’t privation the soiled 1 that different men person worn out!” 

In my Seventh-Day Adventist religion school, we didn’t person enactment ed. We had obligatory “marriage and family” classes successful which the devil-influenced descent from handholding to fornication was cautiously charted to hammer location a singular message: Any frisky concern earlier and extracurricular of heterosexual matrimony was a deadly sin. 

In lawsuit anyone missed the message, we besides had periodic five-day revival-style “weeks of prayer” with impermanent speakers and ultra-dramatic presentations similar Mr. Walsh’s garment stomping. During that week we had witnessed the fastener that opens for immoderate cardinal (disgusting! useless!) versus the cardinal that opens immoderate fastener (valuable! admirable!). We had seen the chewed gum, the licked cupcake, the denuded rose, the soiled dollar. And now, finally, the discarded, soiled garment that had been “stained and stretched retired by different men.” 

Girls — and our quality — efficaciously carried the full value of our faith’s fanatical fearfulness of sex: It was our responsibility if we strayed and it was our responsibility if men strayed. It was intolerable to show america excessively severely. We were reviewed, critiqued, admonished, shamed and often forcefully corrected. Our hemlines were measured and adjusted, our constitution wiped disconnected and our necklines yanked up. 

I was not successful the temper that peculiar time for yet different acquisition successful the treacherous information of being pistillate and what we wore, however we looked, what we said and wherever we went. Just that greeting I had been shamed and sent to the schoolhouse office, wherever they kept a vessel of fingernail polish remover for girls with harlot tips. 

Still seething and smelling of acetone, I scanned the teachers and administrators connected the signifier down Mr. Walsh. They were each truthful rabidly wary, connected alert, with the faint hysteria — a strange, subterranean panic — that ever permeated these demonstrations and lectures: a weird, hopeless earnestness mixed with fear. I could ne'er pinpoint precisely what inspired it.

As I watched Mr. Walsh’s triumphant trampling, it dawned connected me: They were utterly terrified we were going to observe thing precise breathtaking and almighty astir the supposedly naughty bodies nether our tightly regulated, humble fashions. It had thing to bash with our untrustworthy pistillate forms, which were seemingly truthful unsafe to ourselves and others that we were not susceptible of oregon allowed to constabulary them ourselves, truthful everyone other had to bash it for us.

If it terrified them truthful much, I had to find retired what it was each about.

So I went connected a enactment hunt.

The evangelism-soaked walls of my 300-student SDA academy were intelligibly not a harmless quarry for my search, truthful I started speechmaking the paper sports page, scrutinizing athletes astatine the adjacent nationalist precocious schoolhouse similar a assemblage scout. It didn’t instrumentality overmuch studying to marque my pick: Our dinky municipality had been improbably graced by an speech student, Nicholas Bonetti, a dark-eyed jock with a assemblage and bony operation worthy of immoderate classical sculptor. He played shot and basketball. I had hardly been kissed, but conscionable similar that, I had made my decision: Nick would beryllium the recipient of my virginity. 

Decision and execution were 2 bewilderingly antithetic things, however. 

Competitive sports were a sin, according to our prophetess, Ellen G. White, truthful I had nary firsthand acquisition with organized diversion events. I rapidly learned — overmuch to my disgust — that autumn was for football. The full confusing country was excessively dispersed out, excessively chaotic and mode excessively acheronian for long-distance seduction, and I fumed for galore chilly nights nether dim stadium lights, swaddled successful shapeless cold-weather gear.

It was intelligibly intolerable to clinch a conquest from afar successful a parka. 

In January, however, hoops play brought cleanable star-athlete hunting conditions — infinitely much flattering indoor apparel for all, nether agleam lighting, successful confined quarters. I wore the astir immodest, brightest shirts I had and positioned myself successful the stands wherever Nick’s squad seat had a nonstop presumption of me. I did not person clip for subtlety. I lingered successful the stands aft games. I loitered extracurricular the squad autobus arsenic they loaded and unloaded astatine distant games. 

Alas, it each seemed for naught — thing happened. Then, conscionable arsenic the play coiled down, determination was a changeable of luck: I learned that Nick had a occupation astatine the section pizza restaurant, a tiny cement operation connected the country of our one-stoplight intersection. 

The adjacent day, I waltzed into the edifice sporting a 1940s velvet cocktail ensemble, which featured a jewel-encrusted skirt that flared unfastened to uncover hot-pink accordion pleats and a thigh-high slit, a plunging off-shoulder velvet apical and agelong satin opera gloves. I had afloat Vogue-worthy maquillage and classical ’80s hair, sprayed precocious and wide. And a hat. And a veil. And a feather. 

Even I knew I was comically overdressed for a high-noon pizzeria sojourn astatine the stoplight. But I was betting that I was not excessively overdressed to commencement a speech and extremity up without my virginity.

I was not wrong.

Nick and I went connected a fistful of dates implicit a mates of weeks, but I made it wide to him I was connected the accelerated way ― successful the AP people ― with sex, arsenic with everything else. He was a spot thrown disconnected by my determination and asked respective times if I was definite I was ready. I was acutely alert that it wasn’t truthful overmuch interest for maine arsenic it was his fearfulness that I would freak retired connected him, similar that miss with the truly agelong hairsbreadth that everybody knows who insists connected getting a pixie chopped and then, erstwhile she gets it, screams and cries connected the level for hours and won’t spell to schoolhouse for weeks. 

I assured him I was not that girl. 

So, we awkwardly embarked connected my defrocking. He was benignant but hesitant arsenic we went done the motions. I was stumped erstwhile helium asked if it hurt. I had nary idea, and I couldn’t person cared less. I was truthful excited I couldn’t consciousness a thing. It was not intersexual excitement — I didn’t cognize what that was — it was the frenzied escape, the merchandise of each that pent-up and forbidden “no” that had been instilled successful me. I was not giving my virginity distant — it was not a gift, and it was not being taken. I was giddily destroying it, tossing it aside, stomping connected it. Like Mr. Walsh’s shirt.

It was implicit precise quickly, and I felt truthful accomplished. I had done it, this thing that was truthful huge, truthful fraught, truthful shamed and feared and forbidden — and truthful managed and administered and patrolled and protected. And I waited for the unspeakable guilt, the ripping distant of that supposedly ineffable portion of me, the nonaccomplishment of aforesaid and psyche that would alteration maine into a foul and useless discarded of humanity.

I felt nothing. There was nothing. 

And determination would proceed to beryllium thing done respective consequent decades of impersonal, detached sex. Sex with a statement. Sex with an agenda. Sex with a vengeance. Wild sex. Deviant sex. Stupid sex. Good sex. Bad sex. But nary of it belonged to me. It ne'er had. 

Sex had been utterly depersonalized with truthful overmuch baggage and truthful overmuch motivation value earlier I could ever recognize it, overmuch little assertion it. It was ne'er astir the meaning oregon feeling. It was astir the enactment and, arsenic always, the lone worth was successful the performance. The appearance. Just similar that shirt. 

The religion had been wholly incorrect astir enactment and everything that came with it, but, contempt everything I tried, I had ne'er been capable to fig retired however to marque it right.

Two marriages, 2 children and respective superior boyfriends later, I was inactive trying connected enactment to acceptable men, striving to beryllium that possession that covered them beautifully and made them look good. Folding myself neatly and putting myself connected display: the unsightly parts tucked away, suffocating successful the cellophane wrapper until I stabbed the unsuspecting wearer with the excruciating pins of my pose. 

Then 1 time I was backmost watching a shot crippled — this clip connected a screen, successful a bar. A pistillate sat adjacent to maine and complimented maine connected my Robert Graham button-down garment with a colorful people and contrasting cuffs that collectors covet. I complimented her connected her Robert Graham button-down garment with a colorful people and contrasting cuffs that collectors covet.

We talked done the full game. And done meal the adjacent night. And done each the breakfasts, lunches and workout dates since we met. In a extremist departure for me, I person not slept with her yet. I americium nary longer connected the intersexual fast-track. I ne'er imagined that I mightiness beryllium funny successful a woman. It surely wasn’t connected my church’s “marriage and family” chart. So now, arsenic with each different delicious caller happening I’m discovering — with whomever and immoderate that brings into my beingness — I americium taking it arsenic it goes.

I person recovered it goes successful absorbing ways if you fto it.

And I person yet figured retired what Mr. Walsh and institution were each truthful frightened of. It wasn’t conscionable sex. It was of america claiming our bodies and owning the enactment and the pleasance and powerfulness that we could execute if we did. They didn’t privation america to cognize we could chew each the gum, devour each the cupcakes, unlock each the doors and propulsion retired each the keys. They didn’t privation america wearing the shirts ourselves. There are truthful galore of them successful our corporate quality closet, and you ne'er cognize which 1 is going to acceptable until you effort it connected for size.

Note: Names and details person been changed to support the privateness of individuals mentioned successful this essay.

Melissa Duge Spiers is an award-winning screenwriter and memoirist. This effort is excerpted from her memoir “The Glory Whole,” which won the Book Pipeline 2021 Unpublished Manuscript Non-Fiction grant and is presently successful the publishing process (for much info, cheque retired her Instagram @the.glory.whole).

She is represented by Dani Segelbaum/ARC Literary Management. For much from her, sojourn her Instagram astatine @melissadugespiers_writer.

This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful April 2024.