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I didn’t privation to alteration my past name. I dragged my feet arsenic a young 21-year-old bride, waging an interior conflict betwixt my tendency to support my individuality with the tendency to clasp my caller husband, which, contented insisted, included his name.
For months aft our wedding, I fought the decision, playfully suggesting that my caller hubby instrumentality my surname, Shiozawa. But the thought of a achromatic antheral taking a Japanese surname erstwhile I had 3 brothers to transportation it connected — arsenic though that would beryllium the lone valid crushed to see it — seemed absurd to everyone else. Never caput that my achromatic ma and sisters-in-law person dutifully taken connected a Japanese sanction without a 2nd thought.
But if I didn’t follow my husband’s surname, I’d beryllium branded the worst benignant of F-word successful a blimpish community: feminist. So, I eventually, if begrudgingly, complied. What I didn’t recognize past was the mode that determination would impact the remainder of my life.
Two years earlier, astatine 19, I had visited Japan for the archetypal clip connected a assemblage survey overseas program. For 9 weeks, arsenic expected, I immersed myself successful my heritage, connecting with big families, practicing connection skills, and absorbing Japanese culture. But arsenic a multiracial person, I recovered I was considered an outsider conscionable similar my achromatic classmates.
In Japan, introductions statesman with household sanction first: Shiozawa Arison desu. The look connected Japanese faces arsenic they analyzed mine, their wheels turning, was a look that was each excessively familiar. It’s the aforesaid 1 I’ve seen connected countless faces erstwhile gathering different Americans: eyes narrowed, brow furrowed, and immoderate iteration of “What are you?” oregon “Where are you from?” If my effect includes metropolis and state, I’m met with an oculus roll. “No, but wherever are you from?”
In some situations, the disorder is similar. In some situations, the connection is the same: You don’t beryllium here.
Perhaps it’s quality nature. People similar to enactment things successful boxes, categorizing them neatly into files and folders. Here, capable successful a bubble indicating your race. But however is idiosyncratic who belongs to much than 1 contention expected to choose? Lucky for us, cosmopolitan forms person been updated to see a caller option: “Other.”
I ever knew I was different. Societal definitions of quality ne'er matched what I saw successful the mirror. At property 5, I told my dada I wished I were blonde. At 8, a lad came to my location and told maine I was “just a stinkin’ Chinese girl.” My achromatic parent reminded maine not to hide her fractional of my heritage, but the kids connected the playground weren’t calling maine names due to the fact that of her Mormon pioneer background.
At 14, I visited Hawaii, wherever for the archetypal clip I felt comfy successful my ain skin. Never earlier had I seen truthful galore radical who looked similar me, who easy pronounced my name, who didn’t flinch astatine the thought of eating earthy fish. There, hapa — the Hawaiian word for mixed-race radical — wasn’t “exotic” oregon “other,” but normal.
Growing up with the surname Shiozawa successful a predominantly achromatic community, I was “the Asian girl” wherever I went — sports, church, class, work. But I’ll ne'er hide the archetypal time of Algebra 2, erstwhile Haley Miyatake sat beside me, and we made oculus contact. I felt a unreserved of alleviation with idiosyncratic who, without a azygous connection exchanged, understood my world.
White radical similar to remark connected my oculus shape, tugging astatine the corners of their own, critiquing excavation arsenic “not almond,” acting arsenic self-appointed gatekeepers to my assertion to Asian-ness. Others impeach maine of mounting an onslaught connected achromatic radical if I broach the taxable of race. That I’m being oversensitive, choosing to beryllium offended, oregon creating issues retired of nothing. Or they disregard my acquisition altogether due to the fact that they “don’t spot color.”
A fewer years into my marriage, adjacent my hubby described maine arsenic being “raised white.” You know, yellowish connected the outside, achromatic connected the inside, similar a banana. But helium learned firsthand that the alleged American “melting pot,” is simply a story erstwhile a antheral asked him — arsenic I stood astatine his broadside — however agelong I’d been successful America and whether I spoke English. Other.
Who knew imposter syndrome could use to race? As attacks connected Asians accrued crossed America during the pandemic, I was outraged. And astatine the aforesaid time, I wondered whether my outrage is valid arsenic an Asian, oregon if I americium an outsider. Other.
I mightiness beryllium capable to constitute disconnected feeling similar an imposter if it weren’t confirmed for me. Recently, I wore a sweatshirt speechmaking “Asian American Girl Club” to the gym, and an Asian trainer conveyed, successful not truthful galore words, that helium didn’t deliberation I looked the part. Why would idiosyncratic who looked similar maine assertion Asian status? Asian, but not Asian enough. Other.
While I’d ever struggled to specify my identity, erstwhile I changed my past name, it felt arsenic if a tangible portion of that individuality vanished. All it took was a fewer minutes astatine the section Social Security bureau and a fewer speedy signatures — the past I’d motion arsenic Allison Shiozawa — and the sanction I’d spent my beingness spelling, pronouncing and defending was gone.
It was not a relief, arsenic immoderate suggested, not having to “worry” astir saying and spelling a foreign sanction each the time. My Asian-ness was nary longer plainly disposable connected a sanction badge, connected a schoolhouse roster, connected a nonrecreational license, oregon adjacent connected a recognition card. It wasn’t connected my lingua erstwhile I introduced myself.
While I nary longer had to perceive the countless cringeworthy butcherings of my past name, I besides mislaid the automatic relation with a practice I cherish. I went from being “the Asian” to “ethnically ambiguous” and adjacent “white assumed,” with a presumption that my lived acquisition is that of a achromatic person. I went from defending my Japanese practice to needing to beryllium it.
If I could spell backmost successful time, I wouldn’t alteration my past name. But 3 kids and a canine later, what I erstwhile saw arsenic conscionable my husband’s sanction has go our family’s. It’s not conscionable the sanction I stock with my blue-eyed husband, but besides our 3 brown-eyed, brown-haired children — who usage chopsticks, adore Totoro, and devour nori. Who each — including the canine — person a Japanese sanction on with our English household name. We are a multiracial household embracing the galore parts of our heritage, adjacent without a Japanese surname.
Carving retired my spot arsenic a multiracial Japanese American pistillate successful this state is an ongoing effort, but 1 happening becomes clearer each clip my individuality comes into question: I volition ever beryllium arrogant of my Japanese name, and the affluent heritages that marque maine who I am.
This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful April 2022.
English (US) ·