I Thought I'd Found My Match On A Dating App. I Couldn't Believe What She Told Me When We Met.

There is simply a precise peculiar benignant of affectional rug propulsion that lone happens connected queer dating apps. It’s the benignant wherever you amusement up to conscionable idiosyncratic successful idiosyncratic with tense butterflies, caller articulator balm, and the fragile anticipation that possibly — conscionable possibly — this is simply a date.

Then, 13 minutes into your overpriced matcha latte, she says, without hesitation, “Oh! I should astir apt mention, I’m straight. And married. I’m conscionable present to conscionable caller girlfriends!”

Ma’am.

Respectfully.

WHAT?

As a queer pistillate dating successful my 40s, I already consciousness similar I’m buying successful the clearance aisle of humanity. Everyone has baggage. I person baggage. You person baggage. The baggage has baggage. Fine. That’s life. But obscurity successful my grown-up lesbian encephalon did I deliberation I needed to commencement screening for “secretly heterosexual and treating this app similar Bumble BFF oregon pilates class.”

And it’s not conscionable the numbers. Queer women are trying to find each different successful a satellite that keeps shrinking our spaces. There are hardly immoderate lesbian bars left, and the ones that stay are precious and few. Meanwhile, we’re watching bills determination done Congress that spot distant astatine our rights, our visibility and our legitimacy. The backdrop of queer beingness successful America close present is not precisely a emotion story. So erstwhile 1 of the fewer spaces we person near gets muddied, it’s not a insignificant inconvenience.

This woman’s illustration said she was funny successful women and looking for connection. There were photos. There was flirty banter. There was a communal knowing that erstwhile 2 grown women coordinate childcare and parking to conscionable astatine 7 p.m. connected a Thursday, this is not a casual networking mixer.

This is not LinkedIn. I didn’t travel present to physique your village.

And perceive — I emotion pistillate friendship. I americium a pistillate who thrives connected radical texts, Marco Polos, and sending hilarious reels backmost and distant until we die. Female relationship has carried maine done motherhood, divorcement and the existential dread of making different repast my kids won’t eat.

But this? This is not that.

Queer dating apps are not an extracurricular enactment for consecutive joined women who are “just much comfy with girls,” oregon “miss having heavy conversations,” oregon “don’t person ma friends who get me.”

Do you cognize who other would similar heavy conversations with women? Lesbians. Who are trying to day different lesbians.

It’s not that consecutive women are doing thing evil. It’s that they’re wandering into queer spaces similar it’s a vino bar, sampling affectional intimacy and leaving earlier the measure comes.

Meanwhile, I’m implicit present doing the afloat cheery math. Is she flirting oregon conscionable friendly? Is this chemistry, oregon americium I projecting due to the fact that she touched my arm? Did she accidental we should bent retired again successful a romanticist code oregon a PTA tone?

The borderline for mistake is already razor-thin.

So erstwhile the large uncover comes, it feels similar the aerial getting fto retired of a balloon I was trying not to inflate excessively overmuch successful the archetypal place. Because dating arsenic a queer pistillate astatine this property requires courage. It requires unlearning years of shrinking yourself. It requires saying, retired loud, “I privation love,” successful a satellite that inactive treats that similar a “lifestyle choice” alternatively of a quality need.

And abruptly I’m formed as… what? The affectional enactment lesbian? The safe, non-threatening signifier intimacy partner? The quality mentation of a weighted blanket?

I smiled. Of people I did. Women are socialized to beryllium gracious adjacent erstwhile we’ve been low-key bait-and-switched. I nodded portion she talked astir her hubby and however hard it is to marque ma friends.

Inside, though, I was truthful annoyed I was determination erstwhile I could person been doing virtually thing else.

Here’s the happening I privation consecutive women knew: When you participate the queer dating satellite for relationship without being clear, you’re stepping into a abstraction that exists due to the fact that the remainder of the satellite often doesn’t consciousness built for us.

We don’t person infinite options. We often don’t adjacent cognize if different pistillate is cheery successful real-life scenarios, which is wherefore apps are 1 of the fewer places wherever we tin say, “I’m looking for a woman,” and spot that means something.

Clarity is not a buzzkill — it’s the archetypal measurement successful consent.

Showing up connected that day was an enactment of vulnerability. And being a queer pistillate looking for emotion close present isn’t conscionable navigating the micro — the atrocious dates, the frustrating apps, the affectional labour of it all. It’s trying to find a partner, physique a life, beryllium seen, portion the satellite is actively debating whether you merit to beryllium afloat successful it.

We’re watching our rights get legislated distant successful existent time. We’re losing our spaces. We’re doing each of that and inactive trying to find love. That’s the happening consecutive women wandering onto queer apps for a caller bestie don’t see. We’re not conscionable swiping, we’re trying to find each other.

If her bio said, “Happily married, straight, conscionable looking for platonic ma friends,” I would person swiped near with zero hard feelings and sincerely hoped she recovered a fantastic radical chat.

Instead, I went home, took disconnected my pants (the archetypal happening I bash erstwhile I travel location from anywhere), and added a caller intelligence filter to the already exhausting checklist: Not a catfish. Not emotionally unavailable. Not a love-bomber. Not ethically non-monogamous. Not a pistillate looking for a threesome to delight her man. Not consecutive and conscionable seeing what’s retired there.

But here’s the information nether my annoyance: I’m inactive going to amusement up. I’m inactive going to hazard it. Because determination betwixt the weirdos, the ghosters and the accidental heterosexuals, determination is idiosyncratic other doing the aforesaid brave, awkward, hopeful thing. Someone who says she wants to day women ― and means it.

At the extremity of the day, we’re trying to fig retired however to find emotion — real, lasting emotion — successful a state that keeps making that harder for us. So, erstwhile I yet beryllium crossed from her — articulator balm, pants and each — I privation to cognize we’re batting for the aforesaid team.

Jill Layton is simply a writer based successful Long Beach, California, who has been covering lifestyle, parenting and commerce for implicit a decade. Her enactment has appeared successful outlets including PEOPLE, Scary Mommy, Bustle, Romper, Best Products, Runner’s World, The Dodo and Popular Mechanics, wherever she blends thoughtful reporting with a candid, relatable voice. She writes astir the realities of mundane beingness — from parenting and relationships to buying to the tiny moments that often spell overlooked — with an oculus for what resonates and what’s really worthy talking about.

This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful June 2026.