I Spent Years Moving Through Life Exhausted. I Never Knew The Reason — Until I Saw The Same Struggles In My Kids.

After my eldest lad was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, everything successful my beingness shifted to revolve astir him. His needs, his future, and his situation were each I could deliberation about. 

To amusement up for him, I had to larn a caller language: however to close with empathy, however to amusement much than tell, however to marque definite helium understood without talking down to him, and however to listen. 

It’s 1 happening to combat for your children to beryllium understood and heard, but it’s rather different to admit that you spent years being misunderstood yourself.  

In my 20s, I spent a batch of clip “fixing” myself. I recovered it challenging to instrumentality with a plan, organize, and equilibrium enactment and beingness expectations. I had a hard clip paying attraction to details oregon prioritizing tasks, often getting sidetracked by different task that took up little encephalon space. I had occupation with societal performance, uncovering myself utterly exhausted aft networking and pursuing a societal script. 

All these challenges made it look similar I was careless oregon flighty. It felt similar everyone was excelling successful areas that I recovered emotionally exhausting and it was astir intolerable to support up. I thought I needed to propulsion harder, bash more.

I sped done books astir enactment and focus. I adjacent paid a hypnotist to assistance bid my brain. I worked harder, stayed up later, and chastised myself for not getting it right. Overwhelm and exhaustion became my normal.

And contempt my commitment, mundane tasks drained maine successful ways that I couldn’t afloat explain. Noise made maine anxious; abrupt changes agitated me. But I had nary model for what I was experiencing. 

The connection “neurodivergent,” describing the assorted ways radical processed information, hadn’t yet gained traction during my assemblage years. And though I was acquainted with presumption similar ADD (attention-deficit disorder), I didn’t spot it successful myself. I assumed it lone applied to children, and backmost then, I wasn’t astir radical who talked astir what happened erstwhile those children grew up. 

Those feelings bled into my 30s. Fortunately, freelancing arsenic a writer and exertion gave maine immoderate relief. I was bully with hard deadlines — adjacent if task paralysis kicked successful until the countdown was on. Nonetheless, I yet felt similar I recovered my rhythm. 

But arsenic my kids grew older, they demanded much from me. Each 1 had precise antithetic needs. There was nary one-size-fits-all mode of parenting, fto unsocial parenting kids with divers ways of learning. 

Additionally, beingness demanded much from me. I was trying to physique a concern and support a full-time job. Organizing, readying and managing my ain emotions were important parts of helping the household tally smoother, but it was challenging to support each of it going continuously. It seemed like, astatine each step, each of my shortcomings threw a wrench successful creating household structure. I had to fig retired however to equilibrium their needs and my own. 

By the clip my youngest lad received an autism diagnosis, I thought I knew what to expect. I knew what autism looked like, had learned much astir enforcement function, sensory differences, peculiar interests and masking. But this time, I noticed similarities not conscionable betwixt my boys, but betwixt them and me. 

I retrieve speechmaking an nonfiction astir stimming and having an “Aha!” moment. Stimming tin beryllium a repetitive verbal oregon carnal cue that helps neurodivergent radical self-soothe. 

While my eldest lad would rock, I’d interruption retired into song. He obsessed implicit numbers; I ticker the aforesaid movie, aforesaid scene, implicit and over. He covered his ears astatine large sounds; I get easy annoyed by the “too buzzy” hum of electricity. 

When I picked done puerility memories, I recovered galore different traits that signaled neurodivergence. I grew retired of immoderate of them, but others — similar my sensitivity to immoderate textures — are things I debar today.

While I was prepared with a database of specialists and programs we’d exhausted with the archetypal son, this clip autism looked different. The eldest was hyperlexic portion the youngest struggles with connection and reading. Each shared small parts of maine — stimming, peculiar interests — but had their ain unsocial challenges. 

As I carved retired a mode to amusement up for each of them successful antithetic ways, I besides made a conscious determination to make abstraction for myself. I couldn’t beryllium a bully genitor if I was perpetually overwhelmed. I had to purposefully make small moments of joyousness for myself, celebrating and protecting small wins. I learned that I wasn’t conscionable my kids’ advocate, but my own. When I was yet diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity upset (ADHD), I felt settled. Naming my challenges felt almighty and purposeful.

I learned that galore mothers find retired they are neurodivergent aft their kids are diagnosed. According to the National Library of Medicine, successful astir fractional of households wherever 1 kid has ADHD, astatine slightest 1 genitor besides has it. Not lone is ADHD, successful particular, hereditary, but it’s besides communal for girls and women to spell undiagnosed until motherhood. The responsibilities of parenthood tin propulsion those undiagnosed symptoms to the front.

Parenting neurodivergent children forced maine to clasp up a reflector to myself. It showed maine erstwhile I was wearing a disguise and that, successful definite situations, I expected my kids to deterioration that aforesaid ill-fitting mask, too.

When 1 of my boys would debar oculus contact, I’d close them, adjacent erstwhile it was intelligibly uncomfortable for them. I besides redirected immoderate stimming, spending each infinitesimal trying to stifle the ways they sought to self-soothe. I learned that I was doing much harm than good. Instead of raising boys that were confident, I was creating small radical who were self-critical and uncomfortable successful their ain skin. 

It was important for america to unmask. Instead of forcing them to bash things that were intelligibly uncomfortable, I fto them breathe. Sometimes they rock, tip-toe oregon elope, and that’s portion of who they are. When they look successful the mirror, I privation them to judge themselves fully.

For the past 5 years, I’ve been unlearning patterns and moving past survival. I disguise little and person built healthier, slower routines with purpose. I realized I can’t thatch my boys not to beryllium hard connected themselves if I’m inactive hard connected myself. 

When my oldest lad mentioned that helium wasn’t definite what vocation would beryllium close for idiosyncratic with autism, I thought astir the value of mentorship and representation. What does occurrence look similar for radical similar him? What does happiness look similar for kids similar mine? 

I began researching neurodivergent radical who had created their ain paths to happiness, and recovered that connected those journeys, galore of them besides carved retired a way to success. The probe became a peculiar involvement and, eventually, a book. 

Writing became 1 of my favourite tools for managing enforcement function. I learned to brace mundane tasks with thing rewarding. This interest-based information is thing I’m baking into the precise cloth of our family. For example, folding laundry is boring, truthful we brace it with a reward similar other surface clip oregon a favourite amusement playing successful the background. We effort to marque things meaningful, which helps our boys get the task done.

The information is, I’m inactive learning. There are hard days and with a location filled with neurodivergent kids and adults, challenges popular up each the time. Advocacy tin beryllium draining, but it’s worthy it. My kids gave maine a caller connection that I effort to usage successful each situations. They besides gave maine the courageousness and support to assertion it arsenic my own. 

The reflector is inactive a small soiled sometimes, and possibly the reflection isn’t ever what I privation to see, but I’m capable to spot myself intelligibly now. And I anticipation that 1 time each of my boys larn to spot themselves clearly, too. 

Margeaux Weston is simply a neurodivergent ma to 3 engaged boys, an editor, and an author. She’s written respective nonfiction books for young readers, including “The Story of Fannie Lou Hamer,” “African American History for Kids,” and “Everything But Typical” (Bloomsbury), a mediate people publication celebrating neurodivergent changemakers. When she’s not writing, she’s astatine a festival, with family, oregon reading. Find her connected Instagram @AuthorMargeaux or astatine margeauxweston.com.

This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful October 2025.