I Help People Get Divorced. These Are The Biggest Relationship Red Flags I Constantly See.

“I’ll marque you wage for this!”

I utilized to perceive these melodramatic words uttered by jilted lovers successful movies, and deliberation it was thing said successful the vigor of the moment, with nary existent consequences.

I’ve discovered that’s not the lawsuit erstwhile it comes to high-conflict spouses. Believe it: Your rejection of them ― and your tendency to flight ― injures their fragile ego, and tin acceptable them connected a way of full annihilation.

Then, remarkably, our household tribunal strategy gives these narcissistic types the battleground to wage that war.

I learned astir this the hard way, aft spending thousands of dollars successful tribunal battles and losing months of enactment clip defending myself during my ain divorce. And I’m 1 of the “lucky ones,” the ones who didn’t spell bankrupt and extremity up sleeping connected someone’s couch. I cognize thousands of radical worse disconnected ― and that’s wherefore I became a divorcement manager to assistance them.

I privation I could accidental I’m not affected by their often horrifying stories ― oregon that I don’t drawback my ain tissues ― erstwhile I motion disconnected from my coaching sessions. But I’d beryllium lying. Ninety-five percent of my clients had a coercive-controlling spouse and are either trying to flight oregon trying to enactment the pieces of their beingness backmost together. I often wonderment if radical recognize that marrying the incorrect mate tin destruct their life. The information that astir don’t keeps maine up astatine night.

“My hubby said if I divorcement him, helium volition ruin me, instrumentality each my wealth ― I’ll person thing and volition unrecorded connected the street,” “Margo,” a high-powered enforcement successful Massachusetts who is acrophobic to usage her existent name, told me. “He besides said, ‘You won’t get the children ― successful fact, your children volition hatred you. I volition destruct your vocation and destruct anyone who tries to day you. The flip broadside is if you enactment with me, nary of this volition happen.’”

Margo thought they were bare threats.

“I soon learned helium was telling the truth,” she told me, present 3 years into her divorcement and $200,000 poorer. She said her ex continues to effort thing helium tin to halt the divorce, including refusing to manus implicit her idiosyncratic belongings, filing motions successful court, rejecting immoderate negotiations she attempts and adjacent having her arrested connected bogus claims that she abused him. This respected businesswoman spent six hours successful a jailhouse cell. When the constabulary carted her away, her hubby stood successful the beforehand model smiling and waving similar Jack Nicholson successful “The Shining.”

Sounds crazy, right? That’s due to the fact that it is.

It’s heartbreaking for maine to spot women destroyed emotionally, physically and financially. So I enactment them each mode I can: strategizing astir what they request to bash earlier telling their hubby they privation out, encouraging them to stockpile wealth for an escape, outlining the process, helping them take an lawyer who truly understands high-conflict spouses, explaining manipulators’ emblematic divorcement behaviour and giving them tips to safeguard their children.

Divorces from a high-conflict idiosyncratic tin instrumentality 3 times longer than a emblematic divorce, and are usually 3 to 4 times arsenic expensive. Often, I americium the lone idiosyncratic successful their lives who genuinely understands the beast they’re up against. These victims request to cognize they’re not alone, truthful I started Strong Savvy Women, a enactment radical of women who recognize this underworld. We person a Facebook radical and monthly meetings.

But I cannot alteration our ineligible system. Often, judges and attorneys statement a mates “high-conflict” adjacent erstwhile there’s lone 1 spouse creating the chaos, portion the different desperately wants out.

That’s wherefore I’m connected a ngo to pass radical earlier they extremity up successful this nightmare. If you’re dating idiosyncratic and you spot immoderate trademark narcissistic behavior, oregon you conscionable person a gut feeling thing isn’t right, do not legally hindrance yourself to this person. It could beryllium the biggest mistake of your life. And ever person entree to your ain money, due to the fact that without that, you tin go a captive.

Courtney, a New Jersey ma who survived a nine-year matrimony to a coercive controller, volition ne'er hide the time she was astatine the shore, watching her kids surf, erstwhile a tribunal clerk called and ordered her to get connected Zoom.

“My ex asked the justice to person maine committed, and told her I was mentally unfit and had threatened his beingness ― aft I had conscionable filed a restraining bid against him,” she told me. She said a justice ordered a custody evaluation, and her girl begged not to spell to her dad’s location but was sent for visits anyway. 

“How bash you picture that you are entwined successful struggle with idiosyncratic who you haven’t talked to successful 7 years?” Courtney, present nearing her eighth twelvemonth of post-separation abuse, said. “The information is alien than fiction.”

This azygous ma of 2 with 2 jobs has already spent adjacent to $90,000 successful ineligible fees. After their split, she said her ex utilized the courts to bully and harass her, contempt anterior restraining orders against him. She claims helium adjacent tried to tally her implicit with the kids successful the car.

Jennifer, who said she has 50-50 custody but hasn’t seen her children successful years due to the fact that she can’t get anyone to enforce the ruling, has spent astatine slightest $400,000 connected ineligible and court-ordered fees. She went from surviving successful a ample location to surviving successful a tiny flat to becoming homeless, carless and broke.

What astir radical don’t realize, if they haven’t experienced it themselves, is that you wage not conscionable for attorneys’ bills, but for fees to “experts” similar genitor coordinators and guardians advertisement litem, who are assigned to correspond the children’s interests. If the abuser has much money, helium oregon she tin outlast the unfortunate ― and adjacent triumph custody.

“How tin a idiosyncratic similar maine go stateless and not spot their kids?” Jennifer said. “It happens if you are a protective parent up against a narcissistic benignant without the fiscal resources to combat on.” Sadly, successful these cases, children are often utilized arsenic pawns.

“In maltreatment cases, our household tribunal strategy operates connected the premise that you volition merchantability your past footwear if it tin prevention your child,” Danielle Pollack, argumentation manager astatine the National Family Violence Law Center astatine George Washington University, told me. “It is the panic of protective parenting due to the fact that you cognize the hazard of your kid going to an abuser, and you’re consenting to bash thing ― including giving up your location ― to prevention them.” 

Narcissistic coercive controllers leverage this fearfulness expertly, and galore tribunal professionals are blessed to assistance them. However, much states are enacting laws that amended custody rules and grow definitions of home maltreatment to see coercive control, a signifier of intelligence maltreatment that is not ever physical. Litigation maltreatment and stalking are portion of the offenses listed, on with intersexual coercion, fiscal abuse, controlling behavior, and isolating idiosyncratic oregon depriving them of basal necessities.

Pollack led the run for Kayden’s Law ― named for 7-year-old Kayden Mancuso, who was beaten to decease by her begetter during his court-ordered custody clip ― which President Joe Biden signed arsenic portion of the Violence Against Women Act. This legislation, Pollack said, limits the powerfulness of abusers to weaponize our tribunal strategy against a harmless genitor and thereby person custody of children.

“Alienation is simply a pseudoscientific mentation that has been wide discredited, but is often utilized successful household tribunal arsenic a maneuver by those accused of abuse. The information is the household tribunal strategy is, successful essence, enabling unethical professionals to nett disconnected abused women and children,” Pollack said. “We request reforms truthful judges don’t person discretion without guardrails and children are not ordered to abusers and costly ‘reunification camps’ that chopped them disconnected from caregivers and contradict their trauma. It’s the Wild West.”

Margo agrees those are the cleanable words to picture what she went through: a brainsick hellhole that women should effort to debar by immoderate means necessary. She thinks we request to alteration the matrimony declaration itself to support some parties from vengeful narcissistic partners. 

“When you motion a matrimony certificate, determination should beryllium conditions if you record for divorcement and a definite clip goes by and you can’t scope an agreement. Then it should beryllium decided for you. Imagine however radical would enactment then?” she said. “It would instrumentality the powerfulness distant from them.”

That alteration mightiness enactment maine retired of a occupation arsenic a divorcement coach, but that’s OK ― I’m each for it, if it means radical are spared the nightmares I spot them confronting.

Until then, here’s what I archer anyone getting joined to ticker retired for earlier they accidental “I do”: 

• Someone who love bombs you and wants to get joined quickly. Date for a agelong time, truthful you tin observe your spouse successful each sorts of situations, particularly stressful ones.
• Secrets and lies. If idiosyncratic is dishonest ― adjacent astir a small happening ― this tin mean they volition prevarication astir large things.
• They notation to their exes arsenic “crazy.” Narcissistic radical often demonize their past partners and are adept astatine playing the victim. They are not ever large and attention-seeking.
• How bash they dainty different people? Are they rude to the waiter and others who they see inferior to them? This tin beryllium a awesome of however they mightiness extremity up treating you.
• Gaslighting.
• Are they susceptible of feeling empathy ― for radical successful pain, animals, and you? Some narcissists are large astatine faking this during the courtship, truthful ticker their behaviour closely.
• “Once a cheater, ever a cheater.” While past behaviour whitethorn not always foretell aboriginal behavior, galore of my clients’ husbands felt entitled to person extramarital relationships with past partners, enactment workers oregon different people.
• Have your ain money ― and marque definite your sanction is connected each associated assets.
• If you springiness up your vocation to rise the kids, sign a prenuptial oregon postnuptial agreement that protects you financially and gives you a “salary” truthful you person your ain money.
• Count connected your intuition. Clients divorcing high-conflict types archer maine they felt thing was “off,” but they thought ― and were reassured ― they were overreacting. Always spot your gut.
• Controlling behavior. If idiosyncratic tries to negociate what you wear, who you person arsenic friends, your whereabouts oregon your societal media, that’s a reddish flag. 

Names and immoderate identifying details were changed successful this effort to support the privateness and information of the individuals involved.

Need help? In the U.S., telephone 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Amy Polacko is simply a divorcement coach, writer and azygous ma who lives successful Connecticut. She worked successful people and tv journalism for implicit 10 years, moving an investigative portion that earned her the nickname “Pitbull Polacko” successful her newsroom. She was portion of the Pulitzer Prize-winning squad astatine Newsday that covered the TWA Flight 800 crash. Amy’s enactment has been published successful The Washington Post, Ms., The Independent, Newsweek and Observer. In her escaped time, you mightiness drawback her astatine Fenway Park oregon visiting a caller shot stadium with her son, Max. You tin find her connected Instagram @freedomwarriortribe.

This portion primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful July 2023.