4 hours ago
5
Dear Erik,
Hi. Do you retrieve me? I’m the miss from Prescott, Arizona — the lonely cheerleader who began penning to you erstwhile I was 16 years old. It’s been implicit 30 years since we past spoke, truthful I won’t clasp it against you if you person nary representation of me. I’m guessing you had a batch of girls corresponding with you. (But I was your favorite, right?)
Every clip you’ve been brought up successful casual speech implicit the past 3 decades — whether successful absorption to quality astir your lawsuit oregon the merchandise of some caller documentary — I person stayed silent, efficaciously lying by omission. Being linked to an infamous murderer who killed his parents doesn’t mesh good with my representation arsenic a suburban ma who plays tennis astatine the section state club, organizes foundation events and volunteers astatine my children’s school.
I person 2 daughters, ages 22 and 20. Recently, connected a travel to prime up my oldest from college, I coiled up unsocial successful a edifice country portion she went retired with friends for 1 past hurrah. As I was looking for thing to ticker connected TV, the trailer for your Netflix documentary popped up. I considered clicking “play,” wondering if I mightiness larn thing astir what drew maine to scope retired to you each those years ago.
In truth, I person agelong avoided watching thing that has to bash with you and your case. Though I learned galore years agone that you had lied to maine astir your innocence, I inactive felt a softness and compassion toward you. Discovering this deception didn’t alteration my tendency to sphere the innocence of that time, erstwhile I reached retired to you, teen to teenager.
My curiosity won out, and I watched the documentary, which was hard for me. The maltreatment you and your member Lyle suffered was arsenic heartbreaking arsenic the transgression itself. When the amusement concluded, I felt the impulse to scope retired to you for the archetypal clip since I was 18. So present we are.
You look to beryllium everyplace I look these days. It’s reminiscent of the aboriginal ’90s, with your look connected tabloids and your sanction successful the news. I inactive retrieve the time I picked up People mag portion waiting successful enactment astatine the supermarket with my mom. You and Lyle were connected the cover, and she fto maine bargain the issue.
As soon arsenic we got home, I locked myself successful my chamber and devoured each connection of the screen story. I felt atrocious for you — conscionable 3 years older than maine and looking astatine a beingness down bars. Because I believed that you were guiltless and unjustly arrested, I was moved to telephone the Los Angeles County Jail, wherever you were being held portion awaiting your trial, and they gave maine your code and inmate number.
That’s however it each started — with a missive I wrote connected a whim.
As you whitethorn remember, I americium an lone child, and my puerility was lonely. My parents were often absent; determination were ever parties to attend, tennis matches to play, and enactment meetings that stretched precocious into the evening. However, I did person friends — bully friends — the benignant I would resistance the agelong hold cord of our landline telephone into my chamber to speech with for hours. I would stock my secrets with them — who I had a crush on, and often, the contents of the astir caller missive I received from you.
They described maine arsenic “gullible” for believing successful your innocence, but their opinions made nary quality to me, possibly due to the fact that I was drawn to link with you for reasons that went beyond the loneliness I felt astatine home.
Somewhere during my childhood, I figured retired that I was expected to colour wrong the lines, contempt the joyousness I recovered successful being messy. I loved getting soiled nether the blistery Arizona sun, gathering forts, riding my motorcycle for hours, and spending full days swimming successful chlorinated pools. I often got successful occupation for talking excessively much. One of my teachers adjacent yanked maine by the ponytail to get maine to beryllium quiet. My parents came location from parent-teacher conferences highly disappointed successful me.
By the clip I reached precocious schoolhouse — and aft galore door-slamming fights with my parents — I stopped pushing boundaries… until I followed the impulse to constitute to you.
Less than 2 weeks later, I was retrieving the mail, which I ever did earlier my parents returned home, and saw your instrumentality missive addressed to me, written successful pencil with the sender marked arsenic Erik Menendez. I was stunned. A premix of excitement and mischief surged done me. I hurried wrong and tore unfastened the letter.
The archetypal enactment read, My sanction is spelled E-R-I-K. 90% of the clip radical spell it with a “C” truthful don’t interest astir it.
Of course, I was mortified that I had misspelled your name.
The missive continued, The property has covered astir each portion of our lives reasonably extensively, but I cognize precise small astir your life. When is your birthday? What sports bash you like? What are your hobbies? What benignant of euphony bash you enjoy?
Your attraction and curiosity astir my beingness made maine consciousness important. The feline connected the screen of People wanted to cognize astir my obsession with Def Leppard.
I lone person a fewer of our galore letters. During my sophomore twelvemonth of college, a twelvemonth aft we stopped communicating, detectives from Beverly Hills interviewed maine astatine my apartment, kindly allowing my fellow to beryllium with me.
The officers had discovered our ongoing correspondence and asked if you had shared immoderate accusation with maine astir the execution of your parents. They seemed disappointed erstwhile I told them that you and I seldom discussed the lawsuit beyond your occasional update connected important rulings, specified arsenic erstwhile the justice decided to let your psychologist’s tapes successful court. That was the archetypal clip you had expressed frustration. You wrote, Thank you for being optimistic astir the portion contented for me, but it didn’t work. We lost. No, we got screwed. Royally screwed. I americium truthful fed up with each the lies. I retrieve feeling disquieted for you.
For the astir part, however, our letters focused connected teenage beingness (mine is the present, yours pre-arrest) — parties, emotion interests, assemblage applications, and places we wanted to visit, similar Hawaii.
When it came to your case, I was acrophobic to inquire questions. What if I upset you? Looking back, I deliberation I was frightened you would archer maine the truth, which tells maine I indispensable person known heavy down that you were guilty.
As our connection progressed to telephone conversations, I callback that the hushed code of your dependable erstwhile you spoke astir your parents made maine consciousness uneasy. Some portion of maine fto you (and me) support the lie.
I anticipation the letters the detectives took inactive beryllium somewhere, possibly successful a dusty container successful an grounds room, overmuch similar the ones I’ve seen connected “Law and Order.” The thought of the letters being kept harmless gives maine a consciousness of comfort; it reassures maine that the impervious of our enslaved is being preserved.
If not, I’ll ever person my memories.
Do you retrieve erstwhile I visited you? Because I was a young-for-my-grade precocious schoolhouse senior, I had to get a driver’s licence from my friend’s cousin’s wife, who was 26. Technically, I was inactive a insignificant (and breaking the law), arsenic they don’t fto minors into jailhouse without a guardian.
I brought my person Stephanie along. She and I were conscionable talking astir that travel the different day. We drove 8 hours from Arizona to California successful her parents’ convertible during outpouring break. We stayed with her unsuspecting aunt successful Manhattan Beach. She thought we were riding tandem bikes connected Catalina Island that day, but really, I was doing 1 of the boldest things I’d ever done — handing a situation worker a fake ID truthful I could spot you. Even though the pistillate connected my ID was six inches taller than I am, I didn’t get caught. After clearing that information point, I felt a unreserved of power. So this is what it feels similar to beryllium invincible, I thought.
Our sojourn was little — conscionable 20 minutes, if I retrieve correctly, which was the allotted clip for each visitor. Your grandmother (via her champion friend, who translated) had informed maine of this aft you suggested I telephone her for guidance astir my travel to spot you.
You looked paler than I expected, and it took maine a infinitesimal to set to the stark opposition from the tanned photos of you that I was accustomed to seeing successful the media. You told maine I was prettier than the photograph I had sent you successful my cheerleading uniform, playfully teasing maine due to the fact that the representation was blurry, and I had reddish eyes from the flash.
We talked astir my travel to California, my upcoming graduation, and my plans to be the University of Arizona. Our light-hearted speech flowed easily, overmuch similar our telephone calls. I was relieved that gathering you successful idiosyncratic wasn’t arsenic awkward arsenic I had feared.
Considering however casual our transportation was, I ideate it was hurtful erstwhile I abruptly stopped taking your telephone calls and answering your letters 9 months later. I didn’t cognize what other to do. On 2 abstracted occasions, I felt scared, overwhelmed and successful implicit my head.
One evening during a telephone call, you told maine you loved me, which came retired of nowhere. I didn’t cognize what you meant — friend-love oregon romantic-love? The latter, if that’s what it was, freaked maine out, truthful I rapidly came up with an excuse to extremity the call. The thought of perchance being the entity of your romanticist affection was excessively much. Hearing you accidental the connection “love” made our transportation consciousness real, and I wasn’t prepared to spot you arsenic thing beyond a friend.
Shortly aft that, your lawyer called me. She insisted that I telephone her from the nearest payphone due to the fact that she was disquieted that my telephone was being monitored by the police. She suspected that our telephone calls and letters were nether surveillance to cod further grounds against you. This terrified me. My parents didn’t cognize astir our friendship, and I was definite that this was the infinitesimal they would observe my secret, causing everything to travel crashing down connected me.
I couldn’t ideate the consequences I would look if my ma and dada discovered that the “Erik” who often called our location was really Erik Menendez.
Three seconds into my telephone with your lawyer, I wanted retired — nary much secrets, nary much dealing with a superior concern that was good beyond my teenage capacity.
Ever since then, I’ve felt similar I owed you an explanation. Though this is 30 years overdue, I don’t deliberation I could person sent it immoderate sooner. I’ve spent years questioning some wherefore I reached retired to you and wherefore I maintained our relationship for 2 years. Was it my choler toward my parents for their deficiency of involvement successful my life? Was I drawn to you and your notoriety? Or was it thing simpler? Perhaps, aft speechmaking your story, I felt bittersweet for you and wanted you to cognize that immoderate random precocious schoolhouse cheerleader successful Arizona cared astir what you were going through. Maybe it’s arsenic guiltless arsenic that.
Despite the brutality of your crime, determination was a purity successful our bond. This is arsenic hard for maine to recognize present arsenic it was for my friends backmost then. Even though I whitethorn look to the satellite arsenic conscionable different suburban mom, I’ve lived rather a spot successful the past 3 decades, and if I cognize anything, it’s that not everything requires oregon comes with a wide explanation.
I was gladsome to perceive that a justice precocious reduced your sentence and that you whitethorn soon beryllium eligible for parole. The enactment you person done to amended the lives of inmates and survivors of intersexual maltreatment is commendable. You person managed to service others portion incarcerated, which deserves recognition. I tin lone ideate however anxious you are to beryllium with your woman and statesman your beingness again extracurricular of prison.
Writing to you this 1 past clip feels cathartic, and I consciousness similar I tin yet adjacent this long-lost section of my life. As unorthodox arsenic our relationship was, you were a bully friend. You listened to my teenage dramas without judgement and made maine consciousness seen during immoderate of my loneliest moments. When I deliberation of you now, I deliberation of however you were determination for maine successful a mode I didn’t cognize I needed astatine the clip — steadfast, accordant and patient. Thank you for that.
I privation you each the best.
Take care,
Jen
Jennifer Sullivan Beebe is simply a writer based successful Chevy Chase, Maryland. She writes idiosyncratic essays that research themes of motherhood, womanhood, and the complexities of mundane life. When she’s not moving connected her adjacent piece, Jennifer tin beryllium recovered enjoying a crippled of tennis oregon pickleball, exploring the outdoors done hiking, oregon seeking bid and equilibrium connected her yoga mat.
This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful June 2025.
English (US) ·