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“I can’t halt reasoning astir him,” my lawsuit said. “I adjacent daydream astir our wedding.”
She stared astatine maine intently from crossed the java array wherever our 2 cups of peppermint beverage sat untouched. When I didn’t respond, she lowered her dependable and said, “I conscionable consciousness similar we’re meant to beryllium together.”
I’d been counseling this lawsuit agelong capable to cognize the “him” to whom she was referring was not her hubby of 15 years. Instead, it was the overmuch younger antheral she’d met 2 months anterior astatine a yoga retreat.
“OK,” I said, reaching for my mug. “Let’s effort to fig retired wherefore this idiosyncratic has specified a clasp connected you.”
My lawsuit could person easy spent different hourlong league obsessing implicit “hot yoga guy” — which she’d done galore times earlier — but I wasn’t going to fto her. My occupation arsenic a therapist was to assistance bring deeper consciousness to her affectional acquisition and to place what was simmering conscionable beneath the surface, driving compulsive thoughts and behaviors. In this lawsuit — limerence.
***
Almost everyone, astatine immoderate point, has experienced a romanticist crush. However, dissimilar a emblematic crush, limerence is defined by obsessive ruminations, heavy infatuation and a beardown tendency for affectional reciprocation — an unfulfilled longing for a person.
According to Dorothy Tennov, American scientist and writer of Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being successful Love, limerence “may consciousness similar a precise aggravated signifier of being successful emotion that whitethorn besides consciousness irrational and involuntary.”
Tennov identified the astir important diagnostic of limerence arsenic “its intrusiveness, its penetration of consciousness against our will.”
Limerence differs from the liminal dating improvement known arsenic “situationships,”or “we’re dating but we’re besides not rather dating.” While some provender disconnected uncertainty, erstwhile idiosyncratic is experiencing limerence, they often similar the idea of their limerent entity (LO) implicit being with that idiosyncratic successful existent life. In fact, they mightiness really consciousness thing akin to disgust erstwhile successful the carnal beingness of their LO. I recognize this feeling each excessively good — my ain limerent entity held my bosom and caput hostage for years.
***
Levi and I met connected the archetypal time of my sophomore twelvemonth of precocious schoolhouse successful the mid-’90s. I was wearing baggy denim overalls and combat boots, and my blond hairsbreadth was agelong and parted down the middle. I’d conscionable gotten my braces disconnected and my teeth were the straightest they’d ever be. Our narration unfolded to the soundtrack of Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet and August and Everything After by The Counting Crows. There were knowing looks and homemade mixtapes — filled with Dire Straits, Jewel and Better Than Ezra — passed discreetly successful the hallway betwixt classes. We were moving done the bedewed grass, desperately wanting, but ne'er rather having. We ne'er really dated.
Earlier that summer, my household — minus my begetter — had moved to Woodstock, Vermont, from Boston. My parents were unhappily married, but alternatively of divorcing, they decided to pb 2 abstracted lives. My mother, a retired schoolhouse head and erstwhile nun, moved to agrarian Vermont, and my dada stayed down to enactment astatine his instrumentality firm.
Levi wanted to beryllium my boyfriend. He was unwavering and implicit with his feelings arsenic lone a love-struck teen could be. In response, I held him astatine arm’s magnitude portion dating different people. But precocious astatine night, I’d fto him sneak into my chamber connected the apical level of my family’s rambling farmhouse and we’d prevarication tangled up unneurotic underneath the shiny shot medals and tremendous circular model that hung supra my bed. By homeroom the adjacent morning, it was similar it ne'er happened.
Nobody needed to tip-toe astir my house. After the move, my mother’s drinking escalated to the constituent wherever she often passed retired successful her chamber earlier dinner. My begetter visited america erstwhile oregon doubly a month. He spent the play arguing with Mom and near without saying goodbye. On Monday morning, I’d aftermath to find him gone and a heap of currency connected the room counter. By the clip I near for college, my sister and I were fundamentally parenting ourselves.
After assemblage I moved to Manhattan. I casually dated — and adjacent had a fewer superior relationships — but I’d beryllium lying if I said I didn’t deliberation astir Levi. I thought astir him a lot. Out of nowhere, his representation would popular up, haunting my consciousness similar a ghost. Memories of america lying successful my twin-size bed, bathed successful moonlight, played connected a loop with Jewel crooning successful the background, “dreams past for truthful agelong / adjacent aft you’re gone.” Eventually, I began to question whether I inactive had feelings for this person. Was helium the 1 who got away?
The unusual happening was each clip Levi and I happened to beryllium successful the aforesaid metropolis astatine the aforesaid time, I avoided seeing him. Something prevented maine from exploring an existent narration with him successful existent time. A therapist reasoned it was hard for maine to fto spell of his representation due to the fact that we ne'er had closure, but her instrumentality ever felt somewhat off. My feelings for Levi felt primal — instinctual. Bone deep. Something I couldn’t shake.
In my precocious 20s — practically estranged from my begetter by this constituent — Levi reached retired to me. It was a basal missive, but still, speechmaking his sanction successful my inbox sent an electrical existent up my spine. I felt similar I’d been plugged into a wall. I replied and said I was good, adjacent though I wasn’t. I’d conscionable ended a agelong narration that I thought was going to extremity successful marriage. I was fleeing to New Mexico to prosecute a postgraduate grade successful counseling. My beingness was poorly packed successful 20 boxes, stacked haphazardly successful my parents’ garage. “How are you?” I redirected.
Levi invited maine to coffee. I mislaid 5 pounds earlier we met astatine a acquainted spot successful our hometown the pursuing week. I arrived wheeling a suitcase due to the fact that I was hopping a formation to Santa Fe aboriginal that afternoon. He looked a batch antithetic successful idiosyncratic than helium did successful my imaginativeness — older, his hairsbreadth thinning.
Seeing him was similar a controlled subject experiment. He mostly talked astir himself, and I felt relieved erstwhile it was clip to go. Later that afternoon, arsenic I boarded my flight, helium emailed me: “If you’re inactive successful municipality let’s conscionable for a drink....” His invitation gave maine goosebumps. I ne'er responded.
Eventually, I finished postgraduate schoolhouse and began my vocation arsenic a counselor. I met my husband, Alex, successful Santa Fe, and we aboriginal got joined and had 2 children. The years passed and we built a beauteous beingness together, though it hasn’t ever been easy. Our older lad was calved with galore challenging issues. Shortly aft his archetypal birthday, I mislaid my parent to fast-moving bony cancer. Less than 2 years later, I was diagnosed with bosom crab and underwent a unilateral mastectomy and adjuvant hormone treatments that pushed maine into premature menopause.
Through it all, Alex stuck by me. He held my manus astatine my oncology appointments. He did the lion’s stock of parenting our 2 toddlers portion I recovered from surgery. He rocked maine backmost to slumber erstwhile I woke successful the nighttime riddled with anxiousness astir mortality and motherhood, and helium made maine laughter erstwhile each I wanted to bash was cry. Sometimes, I look backmost connected those archetypal years of joined beingness and wonderment however we ever made it through. But somehow, we did — together.
And yet, each present and then, I thought astir Levi. He’d participate my consciousness without informing similar a spectral whack-a-mole oregon a goblin. And then, conscionable arsenic quickly, his representation would disappear, leaving maine feeling blameworthy and ashamed. Even though I didn’t consciousness physically attracted to this person, the thoughts felt similar a betrayal to my husband, who I loved. My saccharine husband, who nursed maine backmost to wellness aft crab and snaked the ablution drain whenever my hairsbreadth clogged it. How could I inactive beryllium reasoning of immoderate random idiosyncratic from my past? I was starting to deliberation I needed a seance for my psyche. Instead, I decided to utilize my nonrecreational grooming arsenic a therapist to place — erstwhile and for each — the root of these teen ruminations.
***
I archetypal learned astir attachment mentation successful postgraduate school. The theory, originated by British psychiatrist John Bowlby successful the 1960s, posits that attachment is formed during the archetypal fewer years of beingness and determined by the prime of relationships betwixt children and their superior caregivers. It offers a intelligence model for knowing however aboriginal relationships with caregivers interaction interpersonal relationships, behaviors and affectional regularisation passim life.
Psychologist Mary Ainsworth aboriginal expanded connected Bowlby’s enactment by conducting the “Strange Situation” experimentation wherever babies were near unsocial for a play of clip earlier being reunited with their mothers. Based connected her observations, Ainsworth concluded that determination were antithetic types of attachment, including secure, ambivalent-insecure and avoidant-insecure. Later, a 4th benignant of attachment was added, disorganized attachment, based connected probe performed by Mary Main and Judith Solomon, 2 psychologists from the University of California, Berkeley.
During my practicum, I took a speedy online appraisal and wasn’t astatine each amazed to larn that I person anxious/insecure attachment — the unfortunate combo of disorganized and fearful-avoidant. Learning astir my attachment benignant was a captious archetypal measurement toward gaining a deeper knowing of however I run successful relationships. For instance, it made maine admit my inclination to disconnect during hard affectional experiences. My assemblage fellow referred to this behaviour arsenic “going into Anna land,” which looked similar avoiding emotionally charged conversations, daydreaming and pulling away.
Over the years, the much I learned astir attachment theory, the much I wondered if my anxious attachment and age-old coping mechanisms had thing to bash with Levi? They some seemed to stock profoundly entrenched and unconscious patterns of behavior, and determination seemed to beryllium an evident commonality betwixt the 2 — fantasy.
When I was young, I adopted assorted intelligence and affectional coping mechanisms to assistance maine consciousness safe. I carried these limerent strategies — detachment, avoidance and phantasy — into adolescence. Back then, I needed to flight the world of my puerility location — my sad, lonely parent and my emotionally unavailable father. My limerent entity became the lightning rod for each my emotions, some bully and bad. My narration with Levi helped to easiness my insecurities and fearfulness of abandonment, but limerence becomes pathological erstwhile a idiosyncratic prioritizes the phantasy mentation of idiosyncratic implicit the real, unrecorded mentation of them — particularly due to the fact that those 2 versions don’t often adhd up.
It took maine a agelong clip to distill the thought of my LO from the world of my experience. Love demands a willingness to conscionable the different idiosyncratic successful the moment, and the information is, immoderate nights I’d fell from Levi — successful a closet oregon my sister’s country — arsenic helium wandered astir my dark, bare location looking for me.
Coming to presumption with however — and wherefore — I created these maladaptive coping strategies was a pivotal turning constituent successful my affectional development. As a child, I longed to turn up with answers and a consciousness of certainty — to beryllium taught to judge successful things similar God and the Red Sox. During adolescence, my limerent entity became my mental, affectional and spiritual bypass to get maine through. As an adult, I was inactive utilizing archaic coping mechanisms arsenic a means to self-regulate. I knew that if I wanted to beryllium afloat autonomous and contiguous successful my life, I needed to fto them go.
These days, arsenic a parent and wife, I recognize that emotion is an action, not conscionable a feeling. I americium liable for creating my ain happily-ever-after. While it’s intolerable to person each the answers, I effort to beryllium honorable with myself and others astir the things I don’t understand. I judge that showing up and being contiguous with the radical I love, adjacent erstwhile it’s difficult, is the champion happening I tin bash — similar erstwhile my lad has a sensory meltdown and I beryllium with him until helium stops screaming, oregon erstwhile my hubby and I person a disagreement, I enactment successful the country and enactment it out.
Equally difficult, I let — often unit — myself to witnesser moments of quality — similar however my younger lad inactive loves to ascent into my furniture each greeting and property himself into the folds of my body. I cognize these moments are fleeting.
Limerence is not love. It’s calved from an unmet intelligence need, and I judge that it tin lone beryllium extinguished done the enactment of self-compassion. This involves the ongoing signifier of forgiving myself for the mistakes I made erstwhile I was young, and forgiving my parents for their limitations, too. The information is, my parents often failed me, but that doesn’t mean that they were failures. I cognize they loved maine and did the champion they could.
Over time, I’ve gotten amended astatine sitting with uncomfortable feelings similar grief, shame, anxiousness and sadness. Therapy has helped a lot. And Al-Anon, which taught maine however to signifier discernment, oregon “the contented to cognize the difference.” At the extremity of the day, I cognize that I’ve developed the skills and self-assurance to determination done life’s challenges without needing to cheque out. I’m moving to rebuild my self-esteem from wrong alternatively of seeking validation from others, and I’m overmuch much alert erstwhile I crook to phantasy arsenic a means of self-regulation (like binging a amusement connected Netflix). Most importantly, I’ve travel to judge that my deepest longings beryllium to maine — these primeval yearnings cannot beryllium filled by different person.
Occasionally, I inactive deliberation of my limerent object. Levi volition look successful my dreams oregon popular into my caput astatine random times during the day, and he’s ever a overmuch younger mentation of himself. However, the memories present consciousness little charged, and somewhat melancholic. I recognize the longing for a idiosyncratic who was ever determination and ne'er there. Like a ghost, he’ll everlastingly roam the halls of my puerility location — lit up with moonlight — searching for idiosyncratic to clasp successful the night.
Note: Some names and identifying details person been changed to support the privateness of individuals mentioned successful this essay.
Anna Sullivan is simply a intelligence wellness therapist, writer and co-host of “Healing + Dealing.” She has written for The New York Times, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, HuffPost, Today, Newsweek, Salon and more. She is presently penning a book, “Truth Or Consequences,” astir going done aboriginal induced menopause owed to crab treatment. Find much from her astatine annasullivan.net.
This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful April 2025.
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