As My Dad Was Dying, A Tupperware I Found In My Parents' Closet Brought Me The Most Unexpected Comfort

Midnight approached connected Christmas Eve 2023, and I was successful tears. I was curled up successful my puerility chamber successful Tampa, Florida, location for the holidays and staring astatine the walls of the aforesaid country wherever I’d slept each Christmas Eve from ages 6 to 18. Back then, I’d drifted disconnected to slumber anticipating the rituals of Christmas morning. That night, however, determination were nary presents nether the tree, and my dada had gone to furniture sullen and uncharacteristically withdrawn — partially from the dexamethasone he’d been prescribed to trim encephalon swelling but chiefly due to the fact that he’d conscionable learned his metastatic crab could not beryllium cured.

After surviving with esophageal adenocarcinoma for astir 5 years, my dada had coiled up successful the exigency country connected Dec. 1 with terrible weakness and imbalance. An MRI revealed fluid buildup successful his encephalon — not unexpected, fixed that he’d had surgeries 2 years successful a enactment to region encephalon metastases, followed by aggregate rounds of targeted radiation.

We initially held onto anticipation that these symptoms were broadside effects from erstwhile treatments. But aft gathering with his neuro-oncological team, we learned that stubborn crab cells were inactive contiguous successful his encephalon tissue.

My dad’s options were limited: acquisition a much assertive country and hazard imperishable immobility and cognitive loss, oregon conscionable with a specializer who could prescribe drugs that mightiness dilatory progression. Neither attraction was guaranteed to work, and neither offered a cure. My dada refused a 3rd encephalon country and chose the 2nd option.

I instantly booked a formation location from San Francisco to be his appointments.

Christmas was nearing, but my parents and I couldn’t deliberation astir buying oregon baking cookies. I knew we were each wondering the aforesaid thing, though we were each excessively acrophobic to accidental it retired loud: Was this our past Christmas together?

Meanwhile, I tried not to springiness into the jealousy and sorrow I felt arsenic I scrolled done photos of my friends’ vacation celebrations. When I joined my dada connected the sofa to ticker Tampa Bay Buccaneers games, I recovered myself resenting the colorful lights connected the pirate vessel that rises supra Raymond James Stadium’s northbound extremity zone. It felt similar everyone was merry and agleam but us.

Still, we kept our ritual of decorating the Christmas tree. We covered it successful reddish satin doves, ornaments purchased arsenic mementos passim my parents’ 50-year relationship, Hummels that had belonged to my grandparents, and the benignant of midcentury-style tinsel that dripped from the branches similar icicles.

Beneath the tree, alternatively of presents, the 20 My Little Ponies I’d played with arsenic a kid paraded crossed the handmade skirt.

I had recovered them successful a Tupperware instrumentality shoved successful the backmost of our bureau closet astir a week earlier Christmas. Most were first-generation ponies from the 1980s and aboriginal 1990s, but immoderate were the second-generation ponies I’d bought successful seventh and eighth people with my allowance wealth and kept hidden from my friends due to the fact that I’d person been mortified if they knew I was inactive collecting them. I besides recovered a mates of miniatures from McDonald’s Happy Meals.

I’d assumed my beloved integrative ponies had been donated agelong agone oregon ended up successful a landfill somewhere, truthful I was shocked to spot them each successful comparatively bully information — thing worse than tangled manes and tails, and a fewer smudges from erstwhile I’d tried to overgarment their hooves with nail polish.

For the uninitiated, My Little Pony is artifact enactment and franchise created by Bonnie Zacherle for Hasbro. According to the Strong National Museum of Play, the prototype launched successful 1981 arsenic My Pretty Pony, an 11-inch-tall artifact that could swish its tail, wiggle its ears and wink. When the artifact failed to summation traction, it was rebranded successful 1983 arsenic My Little Pony: a smaller mentation with a brushed integrative body, fantastical colors and whimsical patterns connected its flanks.

From 1983 to 1992, Hasbro produced 1,200 antithetic My Little Pony toys successful variations ranging from pinkish pegasi to purple unicorns to bath toys with pony heads and seahorse bodies to ponies with glittering, translucent bodies adorned with space-themed patterns. Due to falling income aft 1990 and unit from competitors, Hasbro discontinued the toys. But My Little Pony lived connected successful the public’s corporate imagination, and Hasbro redesigned and rereleased second, 3rd and 4th generations of the toys from 1997 to 2021.

When Hasbro released Generation 4 on with the tv amusement “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic,” thing intriguing happened. The cartoon, created by Lauren Faust of “The Powerpuff Girls” fame, became a deed with kids, but besides galore adults. It adjacent spawned a astonishing caller assemblage known as  the bronies, a fandom that started with big men but welcomes fans of each genders who unironically bask the tv series.

I wasn’t reasoning astir the My Little Pony franchise improvement oregon whether I was destined to go an big superfan the time I recovered my decades-old collection. I was conscionable thrilled to beryllium reunited with this portion of my childhood.

I’d received astir of these toys erstwhile I was 5 and my parents and I inactive lived successful San Francisco, wherever I was born. Finding the ponies provided an contiguous transportation to this clip successful our household past — an epoch my parents ever spoke of arsenic 1 of the happiest successful their lives. I adjacent remembered taking these toys with maine to play with them during Giants games astatine the aged Candlestick Park.

I brought my ponies into the surviving country wherever my dada was watching TV and brushed their manes earlier displaying them beneath the tree. This got a laughter retired of my dad, who teased maine for being excessively aged to play with them. (I was 4 months distant from turning 39.) For a moment, we felt much similar ourselves again. The ponies didn’t prevention Christmas, but they provided thing we desperately needed: lightheartedness.

After Christmas, my dada began receiving Avastin infusions, and it felt similar we were capable to drawback our enactment aft weeks of uncertainty astir which treatments to prosecute next. My parents and hubby reminded maine that I hadn’t asked for thing for Christmas, truthful erstwhile they tried to connection acquisition suggestions, I said, “Well, however astir vintage My Little Ponies?”

I’d already decided I would instrumentality my puerility postulation backmost location with maine to San Francisco and commencement earnestly gathering connected what I already owned. I visited respective vintage artifact sellers connected Etsy, and picked retired Sparkle Pony Sunspot, Princess Brush ’n Grow ponies Brilliant Bloom and Skylark, Princess Tiffany, and Baby Sparkle North Star.

And truthful it began.

Throughout January, I felt similar I was surviving suspended betwixt my dad’s scans. I passed the clip by checking Etsy, eBay and Mercari successful hopes of completing my postulation of the 1987 and 1988 princess lines. I had to beryllium cautious — immoderate were outrageously expensive, portion others were inexpensive but intelligibly preloved by children who had chopped their manes, smudged their eyes and chewed connected their ears.

The hours I spent hunting and browsing crossed web tabs provided maine a spot of a distraction from what was happening with my dad, and I was grateful for it. The ponies came successful an array of jewel-toned colors, and their accessories included magic wands and glittering combs shaped similar tiaras. Collecting them evoked a feeling similar visiting Cinderella Castle astatine Disney World.

When I knew my dada had upcoming CT scans, I splurged connected 2 costly restored ponies: a agleam yellowish pony with a pinkish tinsel mane called Princess Moondust and a bluish pony with a achromatic mane named Princess Taffeta. Both were professionally restored — heads removed to cleanable retired rust from the inside, tails and hairsbreadth refreshed, decorated with caller ribbons and accessories — and some outgo implicit $60 each.

In mid-February, my dada was diagnosed with leptomeningeal disease, a metastasis that spreads to the cerebrospinal fluid and leptomeninges, the membranes that support the encephalon and spinal cord. Though LMD is considered a uncommon metastasis affecting lone astir 5-10% of each crab patients, these numbers are rising arsenic radical unrecorded longer with precocious cancer.

My dada instantly began whole-brain radiation but was told helium lone had months to live. I filed for a permission of lack from enactment and flew backmost to Tampa.
My dada made it done 8 rounds of whole-brain radiation earlier becoming excessively sick to person much treatments. He entered location hospice successful precocious March and passed distant connected March 28 — the opening time of shot play and conscionable minutes aft the Giants crippled ended.

My permission of lack from enactment converted to bereavement leave, and my hubby and I yet returned to San Francisco. I don’t person circumstantial memories of however I spent those archetypal foggy weeks, different than grooming for the San Francisco Marathon — which I’d signed up for successful grant of my dada — and scouring the net for My Little Ponies. One acquisition led to another, and I completed the 1987 and 1988 princess lines earlier finishing my Sparkle Pony collection.

During that clip my hubby would often instrumentality location to find different eBay oregon Etsy bundle successful our flat hallway by the mailbox and ask, “Another one?” I ordered implicit 30 ponies that summertime and spent astir $1,000 earlier I decided I’d gone overboard and enactment the kibosh connected caller purchases for the remainder of the year.

Today, my postulation includes implicit 70 My Little Ponies, including the beatified grail I could ne'er get my hands connected arsenic a child: the Dream Castle from 1983. I’ve learned that with capable clip and patience, thrift shops are large places to find these vintage toys astatine a little terms point. I nary longer consciousness pressured to bargain the astir costly restored ponies due to the fact that I’ve picked up restoration tricks from the different big collectors I travel successful Facebook groups. Through these communities, I’ve realized I’m not the lone 40-year-old who’s taken comfortableness successful artifact collecting.

Perhaps what I’d see a astonishing grief effect is portion of a larger taste trend: “kidulting,” which involves adults consuming amusement typically created for children. If the existent Labubu craze is immoderate indicator, kidulting has reached a fever pitch. Pop Mart, the Chinese artifact institution down these viral monster plushies and container charms, reported a 170% year-over-year gross summation successful Q1, according to a caller nonfiction successful Town & Country. 

However, the inclination successful adults purchasing children’s toys for themselves can’t beryllium attributed solely to celebrities similar Lisa from Blackpink attaching charms resembling demonic Teletubbies to their decorator purses. Steve Totzke, president and main commercialized serviceman of Mattel, told the Los Angeles Times that big collectors tin relationship for up to 25% of artifact sales.

I deliberation a person of excavation said it champion erstwhile I told her astir my newfound collecting hobby: She suggested that the My Little Ponies indispensable punctual maine of a clip successful my beingness erstwhile I felt astir harmless successful the world. So, it makes consciousness that collecting them is simply a mode to enactment connected to those puerility memories and to my dada — thing I’m profoundly grateful for and don’t instrumentality for granted. Through each of this, I’ve learned that grief manifests successful unexpected ways, and sometimes that means splurging connected toys from the 1980s.

It’s been a twelvemonth and a fractional since I mislaid my dad, and collecting has grown into thing that’s much than a coping mechanism. It’s opened the doorway to caller memories and connections — some online and successful person. I inactive haven’t watched an occurrence of “Friendship is Magic,” but I americium a subordinate of aggregate Facebook groups for Generation 1 collectors, particularly for restorations. I’ve besides recovered joyousness and amusement watching restoration tips connected YouTube. When my friends’ children person birthdays, they tin number connected maine to nonstop them My Little Ponies and cards with envelopes covered successful pony stickers. I anticipation that arsenic these younger friends turn up, they’ll person blessed puerility associations with the toys, conscionable similar I did. 

Lauren C. Johnson is simply a San Francisco-based writer and contented selling specialist. Her debut novel, “The West Façade,” is forthcoming from Santa Fe Writers Project successful March 2026. She’s the interviews exertion for The Racket Journal, wherever she champions experimental literature, and is simply a co-founder and exertion of Club Chicxulub, a speculative fabrication diary and speechmaking bid that amplifies emerging authors. She besides co-hosts Babylon Salon, 1 of the longest-running speechmaking bid successful the Bay Area. Her abbreviated stories, interviews and essays person appeared successful 15 literate journals and magazines, including The Rumpus and Orion Magazine online.

This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful December 2025.