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Reddit idiosyncratic Outrageous_Fan_9126 posed this question to the r/AskWomen community: "What person been your experiences going retired with idiosyncratic who's separated but not divorced?" Many women shared their stories and offered thoughtful advice. BuzzFeed Community members chimed successful arsenic well. Here's what they revealed:
1. "It was the biggest mistake of my life. They were separated, and helium was co-parenting and financially supporting her and their kids. He had 2 big children and a teenager, but helium treated them similar they were toddlers. They were coddled and spoiled. He gave successful to each request and tantrum she had, contempt saying things were over. He inactive did the market buying for the spot they utilized to stock and continued to bash her laundry. I consciousness similar I was conscionable excessively unsighted and ended up with a breached heart. No substance however strained they were, helium insisted connected staying successful the matrimony for the 'kids,' who were 25, 22, and 15. I thought I had yet met the one, but I was precise wrong. I don't urge it astatine each unless they are divorced and helium tin emotionally commit."
—Anonymous
2. "I dated a truly large feline who was separated but not divorced, but I didn't cognize that. And we met connected Catholic Match! I pulled backmost a spot erstwhile I learned helium was not divorced. Then helium gave maine the docket for the divorcement proceedings, and the person we got to that date, the much anxious helium got. I figured helium wasn't acceptable to day yet. It made cleanable sense. He was nice, but I'd alternatively not person the drama. We inactive email each different connected our birthdays 13 years later."
3. "My now-husband was separated from his archetypal woman erstwhile we started dating. They were inactive legally joined for 3 years into our relationship. We really bought a location unneurotic and had a babe portion they were legally married. It was not an perfect situation. His ex-wife near him and did not privation to beryllium with him, but was warring the divorcement due to the fact that she knew the spousal enactment would extremity erstwhile the divorcement was final. It worked retired for us. The justice yet told her that helium would assistance the divorce, careless of whether she had signed the divorcement papers. We've been unneurotic for astir 30 years, bought different house, had different kid, and got married."
4. "Well, I recovered retired I had the aforesaid archetypal and mediate sanction arsenic his woman and broke it disconnected due to the fact that it was weird, and past they got backmost together."
5. "It was a horrible experience. I started seeing a feline who was allegedly separated from his ex for 2 years. He claimed they had a precise civilized narration for the involvement of their kids. When I came into the picture, helium was trying to determination things on astatine an uncomfortable complaint with me. I discovered helium told his kids and ex astir maine (we weren't adjacent officially dating yet). Unfortunately, this made the ex highly jealous due to the fact that she started texting him and confessing her emotion for him. The worst portion of it each was that they got the mediocre kids successful connected their BS. Suddenly, I became the atrocious feline successful the mode of these 2 being together, and helium bailed. I realized that I was conscionable a pawn successful their toxic, on-again-off-again relationship, and helium was apt aiming for that result the full time."
6. "It was a disaster. I was divorced, and helium was separated. He was connected a dating app. We went connected 2 dates, and past helium called maine and was truly bittersweet astir immoderate Facebook Valentine's Day memories of his soon-to-be ex-wife. I tried to comfortableness him, but helium was ace affectional astir their beingness together. I fundamentally told him I didn't deliberation helium was acceptable to day yet and should get disconnected the app. I mildly suggested talking to his woman and a therapist."
7. "I was introduced by a communal person who thought helium was legally separated. Not true, but they had been surviving isolated for 5 years. He asked maine to wed him six months aft meeting. She yet divorced him 12 years later. Both of them are practicing Catholics. He dealt with guilt, and I deliberation she was hoping helium would travel back. It was an tremendous discarded of clip and years for some of them and caused maine tons of pain. I was nary kid and thought I was beauteous savvy erstwhile it came to men, but I inactive got caught up successful this nonsense."
—Anonymous
8. "We were surviving together, but she inactive had him astatine her beck and telephone for thing involving the location oregon her wellness issues (she was considerably older than helium was). She was dealing with intelligence unwellness and had a medicine cause problem, which caused a immense magnitude of drama. A twelvemonth into our relationship, she died of a cause overdose, and helium instantly went into 'grieving spouse' mode similar they'd ne'er been apart. He inherited the house, each her wealth and property, and became an abusive alcoholic."
—Anonymous
9. "I met a antheral who was separated from his woman erstwhile I was 21. He had filed for divorcement a fewer days earlier we met. She seemingly wasn't blessed that helium moved connected truthful fast, adjacent though she was the 1 who cheated. Two years later, we joined and had 2 kids. We were unneurotic for astir 29 years, until his death. I volition everlastingly beryllium grateful I took a accidental connected him, and I miss him each day."
10. "My ex was inactive joined and with a 2-year-old kid erstwhile we got together. They got divorced 2 and a fractional years into our relationship, not that it mattered, due to the fact that they had genuinely been separated but kept it amicable for the involvement of the daughter. Maybe a twelvemonth aft the divorce, the kid told maine her ma was getting joined that weekend, and she was thrilled to beryllium a bridesmaid, arsenic she was conscionable a babe erstwhile her parents got married. I was blessed for the ex, but bittersweet for myself, arsenic my narration hadn't progressed that fast, and we hadn't adjacent reached the moving-in-together signifier yet. We broke up a portion aboriginal owed to his committedness issues."
11. "I was friends with a joined feline who developed feelings for me. I told him I didn't day joined men, and helium went location that day, asked for a divorce, and moved out. Filed divorcement papers the adjacent day. Came to maine and made it known helium wanted to beryllium with me, and the divorcement was last wrong 9 months. We person been joined 22 years now. My advice: If helium is genuinely superior astir you, helium volition instrumentality the indispensable steps to finalize his divorce."
—Anonymous
12. "I'm joined to him now! It was weird due to the fact that they had been separated for years, but inactive joined for wellness security benefits. I met her first, learned astir the situation, met him astatine a societal lawsuit she brought maine to, and past fell for him. Drama decidedly ensued. She was mode much possessive of him than she'd told me. He didn't privation to instrumentality distant her wellness security conscionable due to the fact that she got catty. He remained joined until the twelvemonth helium was acceptable to suggest to me. Looking back, I tin spot it arsenic a antheral trying his champion to beryllium benignant to idiosyncratic who was erstwhile important to him. But he's truly apologetic astir it due to the fact that helium fto a past-important idiosyncratic complicate the beingness of the idiosyncratic helium was presently committed to."
"Our narration would not person survived its aboriginal stages without unfastened communication, a batch of reassurance, and outer confirmation of his bully intentions, but that archetypal accent was precise overmuch worthy my beingness with him today."
13. "He was obsessed with his separated partner, inactive successful emotion with her (I think), and openly jealous of the feline she was dating. Would not urge it. He inactive had her sanction tattooed connected his limb and didn't mean to get it covered."
14. "It was challenging astatine best, and gut-wrenching astatine worst. He said they were separated for 5 years and determination was nary 'emotional connection.' Untrue. It took different 5 years of excruciating effort connected some our parts — his to get honest, genuinely abstracted and divorce, and worth monogamy, and excavation to enactment done my tendency to beryllium wanted, and cognize erstwhile to fto spell erstwhile it became excessively achy to beryllium sidelined. His feelings of grief and nonaccomplishment of 'what could person been' betwixt him and his ex-wife took up truthful overmuch abstraction successful our relationship, and contributed to my feeling exhausted and resentful. Oddly enough, this narration has been post-graduate enactment successful helping maine larn my value, and encouraging him to cognize his."
15. "I was divorced. He told maine helium was, too, erstwhile helium asked maine out. He didn't archer maine helium was lone separated until aft I'd fallen hard for him, but helium assured maine the divorcement was 'close to final.' I should person ended things then, but I looked up the tribunal lawsuit and saw it lined up with what helium said, truthful I decided to instrumentality it out. Then helium told maine we had to day secretly due to the fact that 'the justice was conservative' and it would look atrocious for his custody lawsuit if helium were dating, adjacent though they'd been separated for rather a while. But helium assured maine that if I did everything right, it would beryllium implicit rapidly and we could beryllium together. I spent mode excessively overmuch clip waiting for him to beryllium disposable and sneaking around. To marque things worse, his not-quite-ex had weaponized the child, who would travel to his location and perpetually look for grounds of our relationship. He ended it aft getting 5 months and respective 1000 dollars retired of me."
"Neither 1 of america could rather fto the different go, truthful things were disconnected and connected for different 5 months. I yet pushed him retired of my beingness erstwhile helium started telling maine I was ne'er allowed to speech astir him to anyone else. His divorcement lawsuit didn't resoluteness until 5 years later, erstwhile his kid was 18 and custody was nary longer an issue.
I should've ne'er gotten involved. My lone excuse is that I was inactive successful symptom aft my divorcement and was excited idiosyncratic was funny successful maine aft spending the past fewer years of my matrimony being ignored. I volition ever unrecorded with the guilt that I was with a joined antheral and the cognition that I was foolish capable to enactment up with being treated that way."
—Anonymous
16. "My hubby and I were some separated erstwhile we started dating casually. My divorcement was finalized first. Then, a twelvemonth oregon truthful later, his was. He didn't conscionable my kids until each the divorces were final. There was nary drama. His ex near the authorities and ne'er came back. My ex was astir due to the fact that we were co-parenting. All was well."
17. "Don't bash it. I erstwhile dated a feline who pursued maine SO intensely, and helium swore up and down that they were separated and successful the process of divorcing. Turns retired she had nary thought I existed. They were separated nether the pretense of getting backmost together. In the end, I convey deity that helium lied to some of america and that I didn't extremity up with him. He was an insufferable quality being, and I astir apt would've ended up breaking it disconnected anyway. Don't bash it. The hazard is not worthy the reward."
18. "I was perpetually being compared to her. Out loud. He was my first-ever boyfriend, and I was being compared to the pistillate who near him for his champion friend. Over a twelvemonth later, helium dumped maine erstwhile I was 4 months pregnant. That was implicit 20 years ago, and I haven't been successful a narration since. It messed maine up beauteous good."
19. "My hubby was successful the process of a divorce, but his present ex-wife kept prolonging the divorcement proceedings. She made his beingness a surviving hell, each due to the fact that helium was successful the subject and she didn't privation to suffer immoderate benefits. Turns out, not lone was she the girl of a now-retired Seargant Major (USA), she besides was successful the subject but mysteriously couldn't decorativeness her training, and (because of her father's connections) near the subject no-harm, no-foul. She knew the benefits were worthy hanging onto, truthful she did what she could to resistance her feet. Well, little than a period earlier she gave commencement to her girl with the fellow that she reconnected with during the divorcement (from 14 years ago, portion she and my present hubby were married), she yet had the divorcement finalized. Two weeks later, she and her fellow got married, and little than a week later, she gave birth. Luckily, she and I don't speak."
—Anonymous
20. "It turned retired that 3 of the 4 men I dated who were separated but not divorced weren't arsenic separated arsenic they led maine to believe. The 4th was separated and going done divorcement proceedings, but each speech someway led to a rant astir his soon-to-be ex-wife and her swinging antics."
21. "I met my now-husband erstwhile helium was separated. He and his erstwhile spouse wanted a divorce, but were some mediocre grad students who didn't truly cognize however to commencement the process due to the fact that of fiscal and clip restraints. He was upfront astir it. We kept seeing each other, and I helped him bash immoderate probe and link with resources to fig retired however to file. Their divorcement was last 3 months later, and we had a tiny celebration. There was nary animosity betwixt them; we jokingly notation to her arsenic his 'practice wife.'"
22. "I fell into this enactment disconnected and connected for 25 years. He was idiosyncratic I dated for a twelvemonth successful my aboriginal 20s. We divided up but stayed friends. He had a fling, got her pregnant, and yet joined her. I told him it was a mistake. We stayed successful interaction passim the years — done my marriages, cross-country moves, his subject career, etc. I'm not going to lie: We would hook up. It was ever the same. He'd accidental they were separated and getting divorced. Same old, aforesaid old. Now that we are some single, I thought, hey, this is great. He yet divorced her a fewer years ago. (He cheated connected her a bunch, from what I gather). Nope. He conscionable wanted to support successful interaction this full clip due to the fact that we had fun. I was emotionally invested. He wasn't. That inactive stings. It took him 16 years to permission and get divorced."
23. "My existent hubby and I were some successful that presumption erstwhile we met. Neither of america had filed due to the fact that determination were kids involved. He was hoping to support successful interaction with his stepdaughter. My ex was trying to get backmost with me. I hadn't filed due to the fact that I was hoping we could beryllium peaceful, but I had nary intentions of staying successful my marriage. I had moved retired and wasn't quiescent astir the information that we some needed to determination on. When my ex recovered idiosyncratic new, helium filed. His ex filed the week the feline she had been cheating connected my now-husband with projected to her."
24. "I dated a feline successful my aboriginal 20s who had legitimately forgotten helium was technically inactive married. He and a person had gotten joined truthful she could beryllium connected his wellness security owed to a crab scare. They were dating astatine the time, truthful they did effort to really marque a spell of it, but neither of them really loved the other. So they broke up, and aft her wellness issues were figured retired (which were easy treated, and recovered precise early, thankfully), she moved distant and they mislaid touch. A mates of years later, helium gets a missive from a lawyer, opens it, and turns to me, 'Oh, wow! Dana's engaged and needs maine to divorcement her! We wholly forgot to file!' He signed automatically, and we sent her a bully card. Definitely a weird mode to find retired my fellow was married, though!"
25. "The acquisition sucked. It was worse, though, due to the fact that they had a kid together. I did my champion to enactment civilian with her. I got thrown into the play but wasn't allowed to person a accidental successful it. He wanted a divorcement earlier helium and I met, but she wouldn't budge (I hide why). Then, she started withholding his parental visits due to the fact that helium wasn't giving her capable kid support, truthful successful retaliation, helium started withholding a divorce, knowing she had met a caller guy. Meanwhile, I was sitting done each this, knowing that helium and I could ne'er determination guardant without facing galore hurdles. Do not recommend."
26. "My existent hubby had been separated for astir 5 years erstwhile we met. They were genuinely starring antithetic lives, and I deliberation inertia was the crushed the divorcement hadn't been finalized successful each that time. Within days of gathering him, helium got disconnected his butt and enactment the divorcement proceedings successful motion. We person been unneurotic for 23 years. As with galore things, successful a relationship, you person to perceive to actions and not words."
27. "I dated idiosyncratic who was separated and going done a divorce. However, the play they were separated was overmuch shorter than I believed. I deliberation I perpetually paid the terms for his ex's acts. I don't deliberation helium was afloat healed. It ended highly painfully for me. I highly suggest waiting until the divorcement is final."
28. "Personally, I wouldn't bash it. I dated idiosyncratic who was separated and had nary volition of getting a divorce, but didn't program connected getting backmost together. There were awkward scenarios whenever idiosyncratic asked questions related to marriage."
29. "He was acold little 'separated' than he'd led maine to believe. I got retired of determination ASAP erstwhile I recovered out."
30. "It was not great. He was not emotionally disposable oregon mentally prepared to see a relationship. It ended with maine heartbroken and kicking myself due to the fact that I knew amended and should've ne'er done it."
31. "My hubby wasn't yet divorced erstwhile we met. His ex cheated connected him with her boss. He tried to enactment it out, but she enactment zero effort into it. We took it dilatory successful the opening (I had ne'er been joined but was ever cautious with men), and my stepson was 8. We've been unneurotic for 11 years present (eight years married). It tin enactment if you're some honorable and realistic."
32. "You should hole for immoderate drama. My fellow was separated but not divorced erstwhile we met, and adjacent though helium thought they were connected the aforesaid leafage financially, they genuinely weren't. She threw tantrums that were dissimilar thing I had seen earlier and was perfectly shameless successful trying to ruin him contempt her being the 1 who cheated. If you tin instrumentality immoderate play and are bully astatine maintaining your boundaries, it tin enactment retired well, but it's decidedly a challenge."
33. "It happened to maine erstwhile once I was 23. I lone recovered retired astir his matrimony successful the 3rd month. He had a greenish paper marriage, and successful our state, you can't get a divorcement until you are joined for astatine slightest a year. He broke up with maine due to the fact that I said I didn't privation to day idiosyncratic who was married. Seamlessly, helium dated a coworker from the bureau for astir 5 oregon six years, during which helium got divorced. They are joined now."
34. And: "Don't bash it. They conscionable aren't acceptable for thing serious. He made maine consciousness similar I needed to beryllium my worthiness truthful helium would adjacent see divorce. You shouldn't person to beryllium your worthiness to immoderate guys."
Let's unfastened the level to everyone: If you've ever dated idiosyncratic who was separated but not yet divorced, delight stock your experience. Do you person immoderate advice? Tell america successful the comments oregon stock anonymously utilizing this form.
Note: Submissions person been edited for magnitude and/or clarity.
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